Bringing you up-to-date information on the activities, whereabouts,
habits and launchings of the ex-members of Your Mother.
WEIGHT AND BODY TEMPERATURE
TO MEET FOR FIRST TIME IN 17 YEARS
for reals honest to god sick," says Mikey.
CA 2/14/04 - After weeks of constant phone calls to friends and enemies
and people who thought he was dead, Mikey, ex-guitarist for
Bay Area punk band Your Mother, simply stopped calling.
enemies and people who thought Mikey was dead in turn started calling
Mikey but were met with his voicemail. The greeting was Mikey's standard,
"I'm Mikey and you still suck."
went by until Mikey finally resurfaced. He complained of "fever,
chills, rashes, diarrhea, infections, shivers, sweats - you name it."
ex-drummer for Bay Area punk band Your Mother, quickly translated
for the others. "He's pissing out his asshole."
cause of Mikey's sickness is unknown but it is rumored that in addition
to wheat, bananas, dairy, corn, nuts, spider bites, and pop punk Mikey
is now also allergic to himself.
brown recluse that lives under Mikey's bedsheets could not be reached
HAIR GETS SOME
OR 11/4/03 - Suspicions were confirmed Tuesday when Alan, ex-bass
player for Bay Area punk band Your Mother, released his bi-quarterly
State Of The Union In My Pants address.
now-former object of my affections has recently confessed to be dating
my hair, and not me," Alan admitted.
comments were muffled by Alan's ongrowing hair and it's newly outed
paramour who were "getting it on" next to Alan's face.
months ago Alan's hair seceded from Alan to form its own republic,
known now to cartographers as North Alan. Since the separation little
conflict has occured between the two territories, unlike Alan and
Frederico - also known as South Alan. Turmoil between Alan and South
Alan has raged endlessly likely due to Alan neglecting his known intolerence
think North Alan gets so much attention that Alan feels neglected.
Then I think he takes it out on South Alan by constantly feeding it
cheese and ice cream," says Dan Abbott, one half of East Bay
folk band Bobby Joe Ebola And The Children MacNuggits who released
a split 7inch record with Bay Area punk band Your Mother.
know firsthand the strife between the two nations because I have to
share a bathroom with them," Dan added.
could not be reached for comment.
A BAILEY'S CUP!"
Castro Valley, CA 9/29/03 - Digging through the cubbards, in search
of an unspecified item needed to set the table for Mikey, ex-guitar
player for punk band Your Mother's, dinner, the mother of Mikey stumbled
across a limited edition Bailey's coffee mug designed by actress Helen
The mug, a christmas present from Mikey's long-time friend Seth, ex-cheerleader
for punk band Your Mother, was part of a gift set and resembles a
winking baby head with a handle.
When told the cup was designed by Helen Hunt, Mikey's mom commented
"it looks like something she would draw."
According to Mikey his mom has no idea who Helen Hunt is, and such
trivial fact should in no way impeed on the dinner schedule unless,
of course, the mug were to actually contain Bailey's liquor. Mikey
then added "It looks like something she would draw? How the hell
would she know that?"
Mikey had reportedly stopped by his parents' house to raid the fridge
on his way to Waves Smokehouse in San Jose.
Mikey's mom could not be reached for comment as by that time she was
deeply involved in eating her leftover chicken salad and discussing
the day's news with Mikey's dad, two people still rumored to even
IMPREGNATES OWN ELBOW
Palo Alto, CA
07/31/02 Tearing it up, hard, Joe Demaree, ex singer of east
bay punk band Your Mother, failed to grind the lip of "The Volcano"
in the center of the Palo Alto Skatepark. Slamming hard onto his side
and sending his board flying, Joe seemed to walk it off.
Half and hour
later his elbow swelled to the size of a Bartlett pear; a hella nasty
up, and if theres one thing my mom always warned me about, it
was fucking up and getting pregnant. I guess she was right."
Joe was later quoted as saying.
Once at the hospital,
doctors confirmed Joes elbow was indeed impregnated, but with
what they were not able to determine.
seems to show not one, not two, but three separate fetus," confirmed
one really fat doctor.
not human fetuses, thats for sure."
a fucking squid," added some guy eating a sandwich by the ultrasound
APPARENTLY IN "SOME OTHER BANDS"
CA 04/12/02 According to "Reliable Sources" (yeah
right) Craig, ex-guitarist for east bay punk band Your Mother, has
been in, like, at least three other touring bands since splitting
with Your Mother.
band What Happens Next?, which Craig supposedly plays guitar for,
released twice as much recorded material as Your Mother in a third
of the time. Someone was also trying to tell me theyve toured
Alan, former bassist
for Your Mother, actually went on tour with one of these so called
"bands", Green Angel. He said they were missing instruments,
and mostly did thrift shopping.
PETE OUT OF
Los Angeles CA,
Pleasanton Ca, Portland OR, 04/12/02 Gripped by neither shock
nor surprise, Pete, ex-fifth wheel for East Bay punk band Your Mother,
was witnessed to be dealing with the outsting from the band quite
well. Some might say too well.
advent of cellular text messaging I'll be back in the band by day's
end," says Pete.
advent of cellular text messaging I'll be able to crush Pete's self-esteem
at speeds and distances previously unheard of," rebutts Danny
Angel, current King of the Your Mother Guestbook and overseer of all
is reportedly not an actual musical ensemble but rather a metaphor
for Pete's favorability amongst his peers, most notably the wiley,
malicious, taunt-happy ex-members of East Bay punk band Your Mother.
OF ROCKSTARDOM SHATTERED BY ALARM CLOCK
Portland, OR 9/30/02
– All possibilities of a Pantera reunion concert featuring both Alan
and Mikey, ex-members of punk band Your Mother, were crushed when
Alan's girlfriend's alarm clock went off early this morning.
The much anticipated event, which would have also featured the guitar
stylings of virtuoso Steve Vai stepping in for the missing Dimebag
Darryl, probably could have taken place in the next segment of Alan's
epic dream, in which the band, which also included Mikey's older brother
Chumly, and as far as Alan could tell, no original members of Pantera,
had he not been rudely awakened by the aforementioned alarm clock.
The dream consisted of a practice session where Steve, Mikey and Chumly
showed Alan the parts to all the new Pantera songs, which had yet
to be released to the public.
"I had some worries about whether they were going to show me the older
songs, or just assume that I already know them. It would have broken
little Steve's heart to tell him I wasn't really a big Pantera fan,
so in a way I'm kinda glad it never got to the performance section
of the dream." said Alan, shortly after awakening.
These sentiments echo a previous reoccurring dream featuring both
Alan and the heavy metal band Metallica. As was previously reported
on this website, Alan briefly filled in the bass player position with
Metallica, but was kicked out due to petty squabbling. However, in
the nocturnal dreams that followed, Metallica featuring Alan (sometimes
referred to as the Metalanica days by diehard fans) performed three
times before the band realized that Alan never learned the songs and
was just playing "open E" (guitar-speak for strumming the lowest bass
string repeatedly) the whole show.
The missing Dimebag Darryl could not be reached for comment.
NEW 'KING OF THE GUESTBOOK' THROUGH STRONG-ARMED COUP
– In a brutish struggle that lasted weeks, Yonathan Kifle (screenname:
Yoni) was usurped from his throne last week by the cocky, self-assured,
self-appointed King Of The Guestbook, Danny Angel.
Mr. Angel has
spent months muscling his way to the top of the YM Guestbook hierarchy.
For work, Mr. Angel is a powerful Hollywood agent, so powerful, in
fact, that he is allowed hours and hours to surf the net and bully
around other YM Guestbook visitors.
"I Am GOD
To You!" Angel has posted more than once to the Guestbook.
Replies to such
statements from other YM Guestbookers varied from "No, you're
a dick." to "Catan is lame." to "You look like
a cross between the Cookie Monster and fat Danzig."
Yoni, who is currently
on tour with the Unit Breed (led by Joe, ex-singer for punk band,
Your Mother), could not comment while under Joe's command.
San Jose 2/23/02
– While attending a party in the South Bay region, Mikey, ex-guitarist
for east bay punk band Your Mother, set a foolproof poser trap in
an attempt to snare some lame-ass. Although open to any "douchebag",
the main target was Alex, ex-cheerleader for east bay punk band Your
"Check this out,"
whispered Mikey over his ear to Chris "Sully" Sullivan,
one dirty motherfucker. Porter then proceeded to talk loudly about
some kick-ass band he was really, really into. It was only a matter
of seconds before his prey took the bait.
teased Mikey, "You think they’re awesome? There’s no such band! You
Mikey later stripped
naked, covered himself with coffee grounds and attempted to pogo-stick
off the roof, before settling face first on the carpet and passing
FOR POSER TRAP
San Jose 2/23/01
– Trying to sound like he knew what the fuck he was talking about,
Alex, ex-cheerleader for east bay punk band Your Mother, fell right
in to at huge poser trap set by Mikey, ex-guitarist for east bay punk
band Your Mother.
"I honestly thought
I heard of a band called Lethargy. And who can keep track of all those
stupid fucking grindcore bands anyway?" whined Alex. "Fuck him man,
at least I’m not going to spend the rest of the night passed out on
Alex later spent
the remainder of the party passed out on the carpet.
TO NEVER LEAVE HOUSE
04/11/02 – Sealing off the last of 50 or so tubs of potato salad,
Alan, ex-bass player for now defunct east bay punk band Your Mother,
greeted well-wishers from a tiny ground level window in his basement.
Today marks the first day of his history-making attempt to plain fucking
stop, and never leave the house again. Half-finishing preparations
to fucking quit it already, the ex-gas station attendant took time
to address the press, the scientific community, and acknowledge his
"These many years
outside… doing things… talking, etc… have all been like a beautiful
dream, and I thank you all," Alan shouted from the 3’ by 2’ window.
"But destiny is calling! The time has come to stop doing everything
and…[chewing noises]… wishes will be…[chewing noises]…"
Alan then walked
away from the window, tossing an empty container of Ben and Jerry’s
Raspberry Sorbet out of it.
Your face, 2/21/02
– Ooooooooooo, face!
ASLEEP ON COUCH, MISSES SHOW
San Jose, CA 03/30/02
– Audibly digesting a soy hot dog and already halfway under the blanket
anyway, Alex, ex-cheerleader of ‘90’s east bay punk band Your Mother,
gently lilted off to sleep on the living room couch. Although seemingly
harmless, this nap came at a steep price: missing the punk rock show
he wanted to go to that night.
"I see this sort
of thing happen all the time," explained Dean, Alex’s roommate and
ex-member of south bay Rrriot Girl band Idiot Bitch, "First it’s a
half an hour, then 45 minutes, then an hour."
"Wait a second,"
exclaimed Dean, "what do I care?" He then promptly fell asleep in
a standing position.
The really fucking
cool show Alex was planning to attend was the second night of the
Maximum Rock and Roll 20th Anniversary show at 924 Gilman St. in Berkeley,
California. The lineup included What Happens Next? and The Phantom
Limbs, two bands Alex claims to enjoy, but has chose to sleep rather
than see in the past.
Nine Shocks Terror,
another band slated to play, was unfamiliar to Alex, but when told
they were "real good" the next day, Alex acted as if he was incredibly
CA 04/06/02 – Grasping a smiling pitcher of sweetened fruit juice,
a hand full of prepackaged spiced meat sticks and wearing a sweatband,
Mikey, ex-guitarist for now-defunct east bay punk band Your Mother,
exploded through a solid wall in a hail of plaster and raw machismo.
Mikey’s Mom, who
was sitting inches away from the wall at the time, was shocked.
"I spit out the
drywall in my mouth and yelled, ‘ What did you do to my kitchen?’"
explained Mikey’s Mom, "He broke the pitcher of Kool-Aid ® over his
head, threw a handful of Slim Jims ® in my face and tore off his underwear
without removing his pants. I was horrified!"
"But inside I
thought, ‘That’s my boy!’"
Sources say Mikey
then yelled, "OH YEAH" at the top of his lungs, grabbed a box of CoCo
Puffs ®, and shot straight up through the roof.
penis as well.
San Jose CA 04/04/02
– While recently receiving a blow job and lesbian strip tease while
asking his mom for more money on the phone, Joe easily demonstrated
the Man-Lust of 20 horny teenagers.
Not an uncommon
feet for the 28 year old artist who, sources say, also has a horse
Taking a pause
from giving it to his girlfriend real good, Joe, ex-vocalist of now-defunct
east-bay punk band Your Mother acknowledged his swollen purple libido.
"I can’t explain it," said Joe, slowly polishing his humungous penis
to a majestic glow. "I guess I’m just really, really horny."
on a few more pounds and being steadily unemployed, Joe manages to
have sex with several women at once and still finds time to paint
portraits of their vaginas, or as he calls them, "meat curtains."
Joe, wearing a
silk robe and smoking a pipe, began explaining how he once saw his
grandfather’s obnoxiously large member, but was pulled back to bed
by three sets of female legs, a chicken in a bra and flight goggles,
and a huge bloody tentacle of some sort.
ALEX FROM HOLLYWOOD
Hollywood Ca 02/08/02
– For some weird reason, Mikey, ex-guitarist for east bay punk band
Your Mother, called Alex, ex-cheerleader for east bay punk band Your
Mother, from an undisclosed payphone somewhere in Hollywood, Ca.
"I haven’t talked
to him in like six months," said a confused Alex, "Then I get this
stilted message on my answering machine. Weird."
The garbled and
cryptic message was reviewed several times before what little sense
could be made of it.
"At one point
he says he’s on Sunset and some other street, and asks if there’s
anything to do there," said Alex, "At first I thought, ‘Real funny...must
be, like, the male-prostitute district’ and he was making some gay
joke at my expense." "But then I realized he was being sincere. That
really confused me."
to scratch his head for 20 minutes, then fell asleep.
BRAD NOT RETURNING
JESUS’ PHONE CALLS
guy", says Bradley.
04/04/02 – Sitting cross-armed and tight-lipped by a ringing phone,
Brad, ex-drummer of forgotten East Bay punk band Your Mother, announced
he’s not returning any of Jesus’s phone calls.
"He can call all
he wants, It’s just going to ring," snarled Bradley while disconnecting
the answering machine. "I don’t know who he thinks he is."
our lord and savior, has tried relentlessly to reconcile the stormy
relationship between he and Bradley. According to sources, the rift
in their previously long-term friendship came when Christ stole a
former love interest of Bradley.
"I wish he wouldn’t
be angry with me, it troubles me so." Gently beamed Christ.
"I wish He’d just
fuck off and die," hissed Bradley. "Again."
"Did you guys
hear that?" asks Craig
02/01/01 – While perusing the celebrity nude magazines at the Pleasanton,
CA Borders Books, the former lead guitarist and singer for punk band
Your Mother suddenly dropped to a "Spread-Eagle" position on the carpet
and farted "a big, wet one."
Craig, an ex-employee
of mega-chain bookstore Border’s, was trying to spy some bakery samples
when the "pants splittin’ rectal projectile" became the focus his
talk. Visibly shaken by the sheer power of his own anus, Craig then
left to check his boxers to make sure he didn't "spray stucco."
One witness, Torin
Stafford, seemed to be unable to contain his laughter, "That dirty
fucker gets me every time." "Once I was at the information desk and
this, like, hundred year old lady starts asking me about Cooking
with Raisins or something, and Craig just saddled up behind her
and let out a juicy!"
were not as excited.
"I don’t even
flinch anymore," says Sean Hugginin, music department manager and
all around Goddamned Bad-Ass Motherfucker. "At first it was hilarious,
but now I wonder what’s wrong with that guy."
crotch of Craig’s pants could not be reached for comment.
CA 04/03/02– This morning was much like any other morning for Mikey,
ex-guitarist for bay area punk band Your Mother. He enjoyed a nice
breakfast, followed by heavy, heavy beer drinking. But what made this
particular day unusual for the 26-year old squeegee technician was
the appearance of a two-foot razor sharp horn in the middle of his
"At first I was
like ‘What the fuck?’" snorted Mikey, "but then, after I regained
my balance, I was like, ‘Killer!’"
twelve hours old, MIkey seems to already have a natural mastery over
the horn and it’s various predatory uses such as: sharpening, thrusting,
gouging, gorging and tick removal.
"He may be a lot
cooler looking now, but he’s a lot more territorial too," claims Muck,
Mikey’s roommate and rival Alpha male. "He split my PC monitor in
two, dry humped the dishwasher, and then peed on my bed. I don’t like
to use the tranquilizer darts, but I’m afraid I'll have to."
"Besides I think
he really likes them."
of Mikey’s horn seems to be the next in a series of strange physical
mutations among the former Your Mother lineup Craig’s 3-foot wide
Dixie cup shaped nipples and Joe’s newfound ability to shit rails
of fire are recent examples of this disturbing trend.
ALAN TO SECEDE
FROM HAIR, BELLY
to be called "North Alan", "South Alan" and "Central 3-Egg Omeletville"
– At a press conference in the pet-care section of Fred Meyer today,
Alan, ex-Bassist of east bay punk band Your Mother, announced plans
to secede from his hairdo and gut.
"This is an amicable
parting with complete consent and agreement by all three parties,"
assured Alan’s hair, now known as "North Alan". "We all have a great
deal of mutual respect for one another. But the time has come to go
in our separate directions."
"We all went in
separate directions anyway," commented Alan’s pot-belly Frederico,
now "Central 3-Egg Omeletville", "Which always caused some really
strange, graceless flailing. This is for the best."
After the press
conference, "North Alan" and "Central 3-Egg Omeletville" stayed to
sign autographs, while the rest of the Former Republic of Alan, now
"South Alan", continued struggling with the 45 or so Red Vines in
SOME KID "ALEX"
Gorman Pass, California 03/02/02- Disregarding convention and common
sense, apparently some high school kid chose to dress as Alex, ex-cheerleader
for punk band Your Mother, for Halloween 2001.
for the now defunct Bay Area punk band The Jocks, and current singer
for Sharp Knife, and for some reason member of The Unit Breed, reported
that, "Some kid at my high school went as you for Halloween last year."
The "you" referenced
being Alex, who at the time was sharing a Quizno’s oven-roasted sandwich
and stolen cookie with Morgan in the back of a van at a central California
as Head Cheerleader with former East Bay punk band Your Mother produced
a vast array of colorful, home-made costumes, ranging from the comical
to the disturbingly aerobic.
high school kid in question chose a look from the dancer’s (often
called "Alamagordo the Flying Poof") later period. The now infamous
"Rainbow Rider" ensemble, a hella gay-ass little number, consisted
of small, tight rainbow shorts, a tight rainbow shirt, rainbow leg-warmers,
elbow-length rainbow gloves, rainbow roller-skates, all topped off
with a LED-studded, blinking rainbow headband.
Sources are unclear
as to the severity of the beating the high school kid received.
JOE REMAINS ONLY EX-YOUR MOTHER MEMBER WITHOUT KNOWN DOPPELGANGER
Berkeley, CA, 3/30/02 -
Ex-Chu Chi Nut Nut and The Pine Cone Express bass player, Buffy the
Fanny, was remarked Saturday night to have resembled ex-singer for
Chu Chi Nut Nut and The Pine Cone Express, Chu Chi Nut Nut, the actual
fucking mayor of Nutville, and also ex-cheerleader for punk band Your
Mother. "Hahahahahaha," Buffy responded. Then added, "You dick."
The comments began when Buffy
was spotted from a distance wearing glasses and a new, short, sideburned
hairstyle similar to the Mayor's fresh Brillo-style often courted when
the Mayor "can't fucking take" his hair getting unruly and big. Comments
escalated when Buffy hunched over into a grumpy old man position and
Doppelgangers are no strangers
to the ex-Your Mother boys. Mikey, ex-guitarist for punk band Your Mother,
has been mistaken for Billie Joe to the extent that he is now dating
Billie Joe's ex-girlfriend. Ex-bass player for punk band Your Mother,
Alan, has a look-a-like by the name of Ernst, a man who once proposed
releasing a Your Mother record until he found out the band was all over
the age of 20. ("But all your songs about farts and jerking off! How
was I to know you were so old?!?!" Ernst said to the band after the
realization.) Craigums, ex-guitarist for punk band Your Mother, once
bared a striking resemblance to a mop. After he cut his dreadlocks off
it was noticed for the first time how much he looked like his dad, especially
after he put on his dad's Bad Billy's baggy skull pants and leather
jacket. And of course Bradley, ex-drummer for punk band Your Mother,
has been confused for "That guy who works at The Gap" and "That guy
who just bought something from The Gap."
But Joe, ex-vocalist for punk
band Your Mother, remains somewhat of an enigma, an original who is
unmatched in any way, least of all in his sleeping habits, vagina paintings
Any clues to a possible Joe
counterpart should be forwarded to the band, and that person should
be guarded with extreme caution.
Salvador Dali could not be
reached for comment.
BLACK HOLE FOUND ON EARTH
Labelled on area maps as "San Jose"
02/11/01, San Jose - Residents
of the urban and suburban southern Bay Area have long known about
their inability to accomplish tasks, but until now it has been largely
kept secret. "Ideas are born and projects are started," said Alex,
ex-cheerleader of punk band Your Mother and San Jose resident, "but
that's about as far as things go." "And if the Mad Dog's flowin' it
don't even make it that far!" added Joe, ex-vocalist for punk band
Your Mother and fellow San Jose resident.
Like most shortcomings,
San Jose's failure to "follow through" never really mattered until
it effected the world around it. Buffy the Fanny, bass player for
Chu Chi Nut Nut & The Pine Cone Express which features ex-members
of punk band Your Mother, was once a resident of San Jose. He recalls,
"never doing shit (laughs). We just fucked around and got drunk and
naked all the time (laughs). We usually started bands that never practiced
then complained about not going anywhere or accomplishing anything
(laughs). I had to get out of that shit hole rut of a fucking town
(laughs), so I moved to Berkeley where nobody ever expected me to
get anything done in the first place (laughs)."
Bradley and Craigums, both
ex-members of punk band Your Mother, were able to produce an unending
list of examples where San Jose had lowered their morale, killed their
spirit, and occasionally poisoned them with burritos hiding trace
amounts of horsemeat. "I blame God for San Jose," says Bradley. "I
blame Bradley for God," says Craigums, displaying through transitive
property that San Jose is not his favorite place. He added, "I have
yet to go down [to San Jose] for a single purpose and leave having
accomplished it. It seems the only way I could do that is if I said
'Okay, I'm going to San Jose to make sure nothing gets done' (Buffy
But the final blow came
when The Adversives, featuring ex-fans of punk band Your Mother, drove
out to San Jose from Idaho for two shows. "We thought we had two shows
down here this week," Bug explained last night in his new emo haircut,
"but one of those apparently got cancelled a couple weeks ago and
there never was a second show." When asked what he did in lieu of
playing the non-existent shows, Bug said, "We were invited repeatedly
to share meals with the locals but basically just sat on Joe's (ex-singer
for punk band Your Mother) porch for six hours waiting for them to
come pick us up." In somber resignation, he added, "They never did."
So it appears that the
cat is out of the bag. With The Adversives traveling the 12,650 miles
back to Idaho they have ample time to spread the news that San Jose
is "nothing more than a big Black Hole."
CRAIG THREATENS MIKEY WITH LOGIC, REASON
"Huh?" says Mikey
Pleasanton, CA, 4/20/01
- Responding to threats of physical harm from Mikey, ex-guitarist
of punk band Your Mother, Craig, also an ex-guitarist of punk band
Your Mother, dealt with Mikey by use of calm, cool reasoning, a trick
he picked up from years of studying the Brady Bunch.
"Dude, I don't know what
you're talking about," Craig told Mikey over a shared cheese pizza
with whole wheat crust. The issue appeared to be dropped when Mikey
furrowed his brow and went off in search of something to dismantle
and eventually cause injury to someone.
Though the grounds for
the orignial threats are uncertain, Craig believes it was because
he placed chewed bubbble gum into the socks and underwear Mikey wore
as he lay passed out on the floor of Joe's van - the same van Mikey
broke 30 minutes earlier.
Mikey's underwear can
not be found for comment.
CRAIG FACING GREAT DANGER
Pleasanton, CA, 4/13/01
- Craig, ex-guitarist/vocalist of punk band Your Mother, was recently
threatened with physical violence by Mikey, ex-guitarist of punk band
According to Mikey, "He
had better knock it off...OR ELSE!!!"
Mikey also added, "He knows
what the hell I'm talking about."
Craig could not be reached
JOE DRINKS FROM PUDDLE
San Jose, CA, 3/12/01 –
Thirsty, drunk and alone, a desperate Joe, ex singer for punk band
Your Mother, got down on his fucking hands and knees and drank directly
from a fucking puddle of rainwater sometime in the small hours of
MIKEY UNVEILS TWO POINT PLAN TO ELIMINATE POSERS
"We shall overcome!"
Castro Valley, CA, 3/10/01
– Fearing the widespread tentacles of a "secret, worldwide poser conspiracy",
Mikey, ex-guitarist of punk band Your Mother, today publicly announced
his self-mounted counterstrike. The aggressive stance, labeled "Operation
Respect my Nuts", was outlined in a press conference Mikey held at
the Lyons diner on Castro Valley blvd., not too far from the BART
"The operation consists
of two crucial pro-active stages," Mikey told a crowd of bus boys,
"One, I hit your face. Two, you hit the ground. Simple as that, Capiche?"
When asked about the methods
Mikey planned to use in his determination of who is or is not part
of the poser threat, he quickly replied, "Hey, how do I know you’re
not one, shit for brains?" Following his comment, a bus boy asked
Mikey who died and made him "der Furher." Mikey responded by holding
his face over the deep fryer. He then closed the conference with,
"Don’t skate if you can’t relate."
This is not Mikey’s first
attempt to deal with the looming threat of poser activity. In 1997,
he was arrested after attempting to flood a Pacific Sunwear store.
Charges were later dropped after the store’s inventory, consisting
mainly of swimwear, dried.
JOE UNEMPLOYED AGAIN
Gruff growler taken to drinking Strawberry MD 20/20
San Jose, CA, 3/4/01 –
After realizing he could not steal, cheat or swindle his new place
of business for various printing and pre-press needs, Joe, ex-singer
of punk band Your Mother, is once again jobless. Although not a condition
Joe is any stranger to, this most recent severance has introduced
a new element into the mix: cheap booze.
"All personal freedoms
should be banned," related Joe from under his kitchen table. "And
sometimes, you think you can eat that much crab, but you can’t!" Joe
then emptied the remaining contents of his Pina Colada Saint Ides
into a sauce pan and began lapping it like a cat.
Further responses were
entirely muffled by the linoleum.
CRAIG OUTS ALEX TO ALEX
"Come on, we all know it," jibes Craig
San Francisco, CA, 11/01
– Confusion arose after an unexpected confrontation during a casual
lunch which ended with awkward silence and egg throwing. Craig , ex-guitarist
of punk band Your Mother, "outed" Alex, ex-cheerleader of punk band
Your Mother as they sat in El Toro taqueria in San Francisco’s Mission
district. Craig had "outed" Alex, to Alex, with the deadpan phrase,
"It’s cool, you’re gay." Silence followed for several seconds. Craig,
claiming he, "Just farted", finally broke the silence.
"At first I thought he
was kidding, but he seemed unflinchingly serious," said Alex, wearing
a tasteful green woman’s sweater with a rainbow insignia, tight blue
jeans with little white buttons on the fanny pockets and a brand new
set of earrings to accentuate his recent crew cut.
"I told him the last 6
women I have seen or made out with have been lesbians, and he hit
me with this. Boy was I cross!"
Alex’s tasteful green sweater
was not available for comment, but is none the less fabulous.
THEY SAVED HITLER’S COCK
Apparently hid under rock
Samoa, 02/01/82 – They
saved Hitler’s cock. They hid it under a rock.
I discovered it, last night.
I couldn’t even believe my eyes. If Hitler’s cock could start to talk,
it would say to kill today. If Hitler’s cock could choose it’s mate,
it would ask for Sharon Tate!
They saved Hitler’s cock.
They stuffed it into a sock. They saved Hitler’s cock, and man it
want’s to talk. Now it's starting to get hard. I planted it in my
back yard. Every night it kills a dog, and now it want’s some "night
Hitler’s cock is on the
loose and I’m scared of it wants to do.
YM MAGAZINE TO PURCHASE YOURMOTHER.COM FOR UNDISCLOSED AMOUNT
Teen mag plans to start new alternative entertainment portal
New York, NY, 2/1/01 -
YM magazine (owned by parent company Gruner and Jahr Publishing) announced
today that it had purchased the rights to YOURMOTHER.COM (http://www.yourmother.com),
formerly owned by the ex-members of punk band Your Mother. According
to Gruner and Jahr spokesperson Catherine Haynes, the magazine has
been looking for ways to bring alternative culture into its popular
YM.COM (http://www.ym.com) website while still keeping a common theme.
"The addition of YOURMOTHER.COM to the YM.COM roster will strengthen
our place in the teen market. This merger will also help validate
our new tagline 'YM is Your Magazine', which we launched four months
ago to great success."
The former owners of YOURMOTHER.COM,
the ex-members of punk band Your Mother, are happy as well. "While
we agreed to not discuss the financial aspects of this deal, lets
just say I'll be well stocked on Clif Bars for a long, long time"
said Craig, ex-guitarist of punk band Your Mother, who owned 1/6th
of the domain name and website. Alan, ex-bassist of punk band Your
Mother, who also owned 16th of the domain name and website, agreed.
"After quitting my last band two days ago, I was afraid that I'd have
to go back to work at the gas station. Luckily, I've been spared that
ominous torture by our friends and associates at Gruner and Jahr Publishing."
While exact plans for the
website have not been made public, Haynes mentioned that it will be
replaced with "an interactive alternative entertainment media portal"
on March 1st.
ALAN QUITS METALLICA
Upset over Fan Club debacle
Jose, CA - Less than two weeks after it was formally announced that
Alan, ex-bassist of punk band Your Mother, would be taking over bass
duties in Metallica, it was announced that Alan has tendered his resignation
While Metallica cited "irreconcilable differences", Alan was quick
to point out that the only "problem" was that "those capitalist bastards"
wouldn't budge on their decision to charge "hella fucking money" to
join "their stupid little fan club". Apparently an argument started
after Alan's new bass tech, Van, couldn't scrape up the $50 needed
to join the online Fan Club offered on the band's website (http://www.metallica.com)
and Lars Ulrich, Metallica's drummer, refused to loan him the cash.
The Fan Club promises, among other things, exclusive peeks at rare
behind-the-scenes video footage, something Van, now-unemployed bass
tech, was quite anxious to see.
"Many of our fans" said Alan, "don't have that kind of cash lying
around all the time." Van, now-unemployed bass tech and die-hard Metallica
collector, agrees. "I just spent $150 buying the clear vinyl version
of Creeping Death off eBay" said Van. " Where do they expect
someone like me, an unemployed bass tech, to come up with that kind
of money just to join their Fan Club, which used to be free?"
James Hetfield, singer/guitarist of Metallica, begged to differ. "This
ex-drum tech or whatever he is hardly personifies our 'typical fan'.
Most of our fans are quite eager to shell out a few extra bucks to
help their favorite band out. I know I would if I was in their shoes!
Especially after all that money we're losing on that Napster thing."
ALAN TO REPLACE JASON NEWSTED IN METALLICA
Jose, CA - In a press conference today it was announced that Alan,
ex-bassist of punk band Your Mother, would take over for the recently
departed Jason Newsted in heavy metal band Metallica.
"We are very pleased to add Alan to the Metallica lineup. We first
heard his stunning bass work on the Too Fat For Love EP and
knew that when Jason left, this was our new man" said Lars Ulrich,
drummer and official spokesperson for Metallica.
When asked about the direction he hopes to drive Metallica in as ryhthm
section leader, Alan said "We're scrapping everything after ...and
Justice for All. Not that I think Jason was a bad bassist, quite
the contrary, but the fans have spoken, and we're heading back to
the band's roots."
Kirk Hammet, guitarist of Metallica, apparently had a dissenting opinion
but could not be reached for comment. Craig, ex-guitarist of punk
band Your Mother, dedicated Metallica fan and longtime critic of Alan's
bass playing skills, said he was "shocked and perplexed by these stunning
new developments". Craig has also been quoted as saying "[Alan] doesn't
know a bass from his foot."
ALAN ELUSIVE TO PLANS FOR FRIDAY
Jose, CA - Alan, former bass player of punk band Your Mother, will
be doing something this friday night Jan. 5th, 2001. After pulling
teeth for many hours Joe, former singer of punk band Your Mother,
has yet to find out what that something might be. The last Joe heard
about Alan's plans this friday was in an email with the reply: "I
don't know yet. But I'll be doing something."
ALAN ADMITS SKATEBOARD SUMMER WAS JUST PANCAKE SUMMER ALL OVER AGAIN
Apologizes profusely for pretending to be athletic
Jose, CA - In a stunning recant, Alan, ex-bassist of punk band Your
Mother, fessed up that the much-lauded "Skateboard Summer" that was
planned for the months of June-August 2000 was actually replaced with
yet another Pancake Summer.
"I had full intention
of using these summer months to get back in shape and improve my skateboarding
skills" claimed Alan. "But I got a couple new recipes for pancakes,
and I ended spending the entire summer inside again. Sorry about that."
Back in April,
Alan declared summer 2000 "Skateboard Summer", much to the awe of
his friends and relatives, who had consistently seen him put on weight
during his much publicized "Breakfast Food Summers". Past summers
have included Pancake, Omelet and Hashbrown concentrations.
JOE RE-ENTERS HAIR CONTEST, CRAIG RUMORED TO BE OUT
Record-breaking hair growth stuns, frightens all contestants
Jose, CA - Big news regarding the ex-Your Mother hair contest. Joe,
ex-vocalist of punk band Your Mother, has re-grown his hair after
chopping it in a fit of anger six
months ago. While his length is not up to the level of Mikey,
ex-guitarist of punk band Your Mother, or Alan, ex-bassist of punk
band Your Mother, it has passed its previous level.
All inside sources
had pegged Alan as the fast-hair farmer in the group, and he is rumored
to have taken a two-haircut handicap just to even out the odds. Some
bets have now been placed on Joe, since his mane seems to be growing
at an alarming one inch per month.
In other Hair
Contest news, rumor has it that Craig, ex-guitarist of punk band Your
Mother, may have sacrificed his position in the race for the sake
of mohawk. Craig is currently vacationing in Japan so this rumor can
not be confirmed. Many close followers of the contest have speculated
that if Craig cuts his hair, most of it will not grow back due to
male pattern baldness, excessive hair dye and stress.
If this rumor
is true, then the contest has dwindled down to a mere three members
- Joe, Alan and Mikey. Alex, ex-cheerleader of punk band Your Mother,
dropped out after a nasty run in with a Mullet in Texas.
KIFLE DECLARED RULER OF YOURMOTHER.COM GUESTBOOK
San Jose teen posts 64,432nd message
9/22/00, San Jose, CA - Yonathan Kifle, a self-described "Your Mother
fan" and guestbook nut, has been declared Triple Ultimate Supreme Ruler
of the yourmother.com
guestbook, beating out other regulars such as Hawaii's Dave NoOdle
(sic) and all members of the Castro Valley, CA band Shitty Butt Fuckers.
Kifle caught many other guestbook-posters by surprise by using several
different aliases, such as Yoni, Yonathan, Yo-Nathan and yonaTHAN. Mr.
Kifle has also posted several times without leaving a name at all. According
to regular poster Dave NoOdle (sic), these methods are not only cunning
and sly, but borderline unethical. "I would have posted at least three
times a day if I had known all those mysterious posts were coming from
the same place" said NoOdle (sic). "I could ruled this guestbook, I
Kifle was suprisingly reserved when asked about his new found glory.
"Cool, I guess. Hey Alan, I wrote a new Erotic Toothbrush song, when
are you going to come learn it?" said Yonathan as he threw his plaque
on a shelf adorned with many other similar guestbook plaques from websites
such as nothingenterprises.com
NUT NUT CALLS IT QUITS
"I can't handle the stress" says Buffy
7/16/00, Nutville, USA - After several lineup changes and several semi-succesful
tours, rock band Chu Chi Nut Nut has thrown in the hat. Citing musical
differences, drug addictions, relationship difficulties and legal problems
with their former label, the band decided to end its 6 month reign as
Nutville's premiere bar rock band.
Core members Chu Chi, Muchi Moose and Bruce Caboose spoke candidly about
the controversial issues surrounding the musical group, while other
members such as Buffy the Fanny and the recently acquired El Blammo
decided to let most of the events unfold in court; Both are suing the
band for breach of contract, sexual harassment and musical ineptitude.
When asked about the breakup, lead vocalist Chu Chi said "While I love
the idea of heading up the thriving Nutville bar rock scene, my duties
as Mayor really need to take front burner. Plus, I'm god damn sick of
that fucking asshole Muchi always forgetting the backup vocals."
ALAN PURCHASES MONSTER BASS RIG
7/1/00, San Jose, CA - After several years of borrowing equipment, Alan,
ex-bassist of punk band Your Mother, purchased a 500 watt Sunn bass
amplifier and speaker cabinet. Oddly enough, Alan no longer plays bass
in any band, but "just couldn't pass up this monster rig."
Joe, ex-vocalist of punk band Your Mother, was visibly upset by the
purchase, mainly because Alan plans to keep the equipment in Joe's garage,
where many of his broken bass amplifiers now rest.
Fans of Your Mother will remember that Alan has not actually owned a
working bass amp in the past 4 years, yet managed to borrow a different
amplifier each time Your Mother performed.
MIKEY MEETS GIRL; ACTS NORMAL
6/20/00, Castro Valley, CA - In a shocking turn of events, Mikey,
ex-guitarist of punk band Your Mother, met a girl and failed to eat
plants OR pull his pants down. Also, no backflips, Frankenstein impressions,
lawnchair hurdling, raw meat-eating or shoplifting occurred during
their first encounter.
This is a landmark incident not only because of Mikey's lack of foolish
behavior, but also because the girl is NOT under 19 years of age,
and appears to enjoy Mikey's company.
More details will be released as soon as we uncover them.