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Your
Mother
PO Box 623 Pleasanton, CA 94566 www.yourmother.com |
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MIKEY'S
WEIGHT AND BODY TEMPERATURE "Really for reals honest to god sick," says Mikey. Oakland, CA 2/14/04 - After weeks of constant phone calls to friends and enemies and people who thought he was dead, Mikey, ex-guitarist for Bay Area punk band Your Mother, simply stopped calling. Again. Friends, enemies and people who thought Mikey was dead in turn started calling Mikey but were met with his voicemail. The greeting was Mikey's standard, "I'm Mikey and you still suck." Days went by until Mikey finally resurfaced. He complained of "fever, chills, rashes, diarrhea, infections, shivers, sweats - you name it." Bradley, ex-drummer for Bay Area punk band Your Mother, quickly translated for the others. "He's pissing out his asshole." The cause of Mikey's sickness is unknown but it is rumored that in addition to wheat, bananas, dairy, corn, nuts, spider bites, and pop punk Mikey is now also allergic to himself. The brown recluse that lives under Mikey's bedsheets could not be reached for comment. ### ALAN'S HAIR GETS SOME Portland, OR 11/4/03 - Suspicions were confirmed Tuesday when Alan, ex-bass player for Bay Area punk band Your Mother, released his bi-quarterly State Of The Union In My Pants address. "The now-former object of my affections has recently confessed to be dating my hair, and not me," Alan admitted. Futher comments were muffled by Alan's ongrowing hair and it's newly outed paramour who were "getting it on" next to Alan's face. Seventeen months ago Alan's hair seceded from Alan to form its own republic, known now to cartographers as North Alan. Since the separation little conflict has occured between the two territories, unlike Alan and Frederico - also known as South Alan. Turmoil between Alan and South Alan has raged endlessly likely due to Alan neglecting his known intolerence to lactose. "I think North Alan gets so much attention that Alan feels neglected. Then I think he takes it out on South Alan by constantly feeding it cheese and ice cream," says Dan Abbott, one half of East Bay folk band Bobby Joe Ebola And The Children MacNuggits who released a split 7inch record with Bay Area punk band Your Mother. "I know firsthand the strife between the two nations because I have to share a bathroom with them," Dan added. Supercuts could not be reached for comment. ### "HEY
A BAILEY'S CUP!" ### JOE IMPREGNATES OWN ELBOW Palo Alto, CA 07/31/02 – Tearing it up, hard, Joe Demaree, ex singer of east bay punk band Your Mother, failed to grind the lip of "The Volcano" in the center of the Palo Alto Skatepark. Slamming hard onto his side and sending his board flying, Joe seemed to walk it off. Half and hour later his elbow swelled to the size of a Bartlett pear; a hella nasty Bartlett pear. "I fucked up, and if there’s one thing my mom always warned me about, it was fucking up and getting pregnant. I guess she was right." Joe was later quoted as saying. Once at the hospital, doctors confirmed Joe’s elbow was indeed impregnated, but with what they were not able to determine. "The ultrasound seems to show not one, not two, but three separate fetus," confirmed one really fat doctor. "They're not human fetuses, that’s for sure." "Looks like a fucking squid," added some guy eating a sandwich by the ultrasound scanner. ###
CRAIG APPARENTLY IN "SOME OTHER BANDS" Whatever. San Fransisco, CA 04/12/02 – According to "Reliable Sources" (yeah right) Craig, ex-guitarist for east bay punk band Your Mother, has been in, like, at least three other touring bands since splitting with Your Mother. Whatever. Reportedly, the band What Happens Next?, which Craig supposedly plays guitar for, released twice as much recorded material as Your Mother in a third of the time. Someone was also trying to tell me they’ve toured Japan. Bullshit, dude. Alan, former bassist for Your Mother, actually went on tour with one of these so called "bands", Green Angel. He said they were missing instruments, and mostly did thrift shopping. Figures. ### PETE OUT OF BAND Los Angeles CA, Pleasanton Ca, Portland OR, 04/12/02 – Gripped by neither shock nor surprise, Pete, ex-fifth wheel for East Bay punk band Your Mother, was witnessed to be dealing with the outsting from the band quite well. Some might say too well. "With the advent of cellular text messaging I'll be back in the band by day's end," says Pete. "With the advent of cellular text messaging I'll be able to crush Pete's self-esteem at speeds and distances previously unheard of," rebutts Danny Angel, current King of the Your Mother Guestbook and overseer of all things Pete. "The band" is reportedly not an actual musical ensemble but rather a metaphor for Pete's favorability amongst his peers, most notably the wiley, malicious, taunt-happy ex-members of East Bay punk band Your Mother. ### ALAN'S DREAMS OF ROCKSTARDOM SHATTERED BY ALARM CLOCK Portland, OR 9/30/02
– All possibilities of a Pantera reunion concert featuring both Alan
and Mikey, ex-members of punk band Your Mother, were crushed when
Alan's girlfriend's alarm clock went off early this morning. ### DANNY ANGEL NEW 'KING OF THE GUESTBOOK' THROUGH STRONG-ARMED COUP Hollywood 7/10/02 – In a brutish struggle that lasted weeks, Yonathan Kifle (screenname: Yoni) was usurped from his throne last week by the cocky, self-assured, self-appointed King Of The Guestbook, Danny Angel. Mr. Angel has spent months muscling his way to the top of the YM Guestbook hierarchy. For work, Mr. Angel is a powerful Hollywood agent, so powerful, in fact, that he is allowed hours and hours to surf the net and bully around other YM Guestbook visitors. "I Am GOD To You!" Angel has posted more than once to the Guestbook. Replies to such statements from other YM Guestbookers varied from "No, you're a dick." to "Catan is lame." to "You look like a cross between the Cookie Monster and fat Danzig." Yoni, who is currently on tour with the Unit Breed (led by Joe, ex-singer for punk band, Your Mother), could not comment while under Joe's command. ### MIKEY SETS POSER TRAP San Jose 2/23/02 – While attending a party in the South Bay region, Mikey, ex-guitarist for east bay punk band Your Mother, set a foolproof poser trap in an attempt to snare some lame-ass. Although open to any "douchebag", the main target was Alex, ex-cheerleader for east bay punk band Your Mother. "Check this out," whispered Mikey over his ear to Chris "Sully" Sullivan, one dirty motherfucker. Porter then proceeded to talk loudly about some kick-ass band he was really, really into. It was only a matter of seconds before his prey took the bait. "Yeah, Dude," teased Mikey, "You think they’re awesome? There’s no such band! You fucking poser!" Mikey later stripped naked, covered himself with coffee grounds and attempted to pogo-stick off the roof, before settling face first on the carpet and passing out. ### ALEX FALLS FOR POSER TRAP San Jose 2/23/01 – Trying to sound like he knew what the fuck he was talking about, Alex, ex-cheerleader for east bay punk band Your Mother, fell right in to at huge poser trap set by Mikey, ex-guitarist for east bay punk band Your Mother. "I honestly thought I heard of a band called Lethargy. And who can keep track of all those stupid fucking grindcore bands anyway?" whined Alex. "Fuck him man, at least I’m not going to spend the rest of the night passed out on the carpet." Alex later spent the remainder of the party passed out on the carpet. ### ALAN READY TO NEVER LEAVE HOUSE Portland, Ore 04/11/02 – Sealing off the last of 50 or so tubs of potato salad, Alan, ex-bass player for now defunct east bay punk band Your Mother, greeted well-wishers from a tiny ground level window in his basement. Today marks the first day of his history-making attempt to plain fucking stop, and never leave the house again. Half-finishing preparations to fucking quit it already, the ex-gas station attendant took time to address the press, the scientific community, and acknowledge his many fans. "These many years outside… doing things… talking, etc… have all been like a beautiful dream, and I thank you all," Alan shouted from the 3’ by 2’ window. "But destiny is calling! The time has come to stop doing everything altogether." "Your prayers and…[chewing noises]… wishes will be…[chewing noises]…" Alan then walked away from the window, tossing an empty container of Ben and Jerry’s Raspberry Sorbet out of it. ### FACE HARD, RETARD. Your face, 2/21/02 – Ooooooooooo, face! ### ALEX FALLS ASLEEP ON COUCH, MISSES SHOW San Jose, CA 03/30/02 – Audibly digesting a soy hot dog and already halfway under the blanket anyway, Alex, ex-cheerleader of ‘90’s east bay punk band Your Mother, gently lilted off to sleep on the living room couch. Although seemingly harmless, this nap came at a steep price: missing the punk rock show he wanted to go to that night. "I see this sort of thing happen all the time," explained Dean, Alex’s roommate and ex-member of south bay Rrriot Girl band Idiot Bitch, "First it’s a half an hour, then 45 minutes, then an hour." "Wait a second," exclaimed Dean, "what do I care?" He then promptly fell asleep in a standing position. The really fucking cool show Alex was planning to attend was the second night of the Maximum Rock and Roll 20th Anniversary show at 924 Gilman St. in Berkeley, California. The lineup included What Happens Next? and The Phantom Limbs, two bands Alex claims to enjoy, but has chose to sleep rather than see in the past. Nine Shocks Terror, another band slated to play, was unfamiliar to Alex, but when told they were "real good" the next day, Alex acted as if he was incredibly disappointed. ### MIKEY BURSTS THROUGH WALL Yells, "OH YEAH!" Castro Valley, CA 04/06/02 – Grasping a smiling pitcher of sweetened fruit juice, a hand full of prepackaged spiced meat sticks and wearing a sweatband, Mikey, ex-guitarist for now-defunct east bay punk band Your Mother, exploded through a solid wall in a hail of plaster and raw machismo. Mikey’s Mom, who was sitting inches away from the wall at the time, was shocked. "I spit out the drywall in my mouth and yelled, ‘ What did you do to my kitchen?’" explained Mikey’s Mom, "He broke the pitcher of Kool-Aid ® over his head, threw a handful of Slim Jims ® in my face and tore off his underwear without removing his pants. I was horrified!" "But inside I thought, ‘That’s my boy!’" Sources say Mikey then yelled, "OH YEAH" at the top of his lungs, grabbed a box of CoCo Puffs ®, and shot straight up through the roof. ### JOE REALLY FUCKING HORNY Has big penis as well. San Jose CA 04/04/02 – While recently receiving a blow job and lesbian strip tease while asking his mom for more money on the phone, Joe easily demonstrated the Man-Lust of 20 horny teenagers. Not an uncommon feet for the 28 year old artist who, sources say, also has a horse cock. Taking a pause from giving it to his girlfriend real good, Joe, ex-vocalist of now-defunct east-bay punk band Your Mother acknowledged his swollen purple libido. "I can’t explain it," said Joe, slowly polishing his humungous penis to a majestic glow. "I guess I’m just really, really horny." Despite putting on a few more pounds and being steadily unemployed, Joe manages to have sex with several women at once and still finds time to paint portraits of their vaginas, or as he calls them, "meat curtains." Joe, wearing a silk robe and smoking a pipe, began explaining how he once saw his grandfather’s obnoxiously large member, but was pulled back to bed by three sets of female legs, a chicken in a bra and flight goggles, and a huge bloody tentacle of some sort. ### MIKEY CALLS ALEX FROM HOLLYWOOD Hollywood Ca 02/08/02 – For some weird reason, Mikey, ex-guitarist for east bay punk band Your Mother, called Alex, ex-cheerleader for east bay punk band Your Mother, from an undisclosed payphone somewhere in Hollywood, Ca. "I haven’t talked to him in like six months," said a confused Alex, "Then I get this stilted message on my answering machine. Weird." The garbled and cryptic message was reviewed several times before what little sense could be made of it. "At one point he says he’s on Sunset and some other street, and asks if there’s anything to do there," said Alex, "At first I thought, ‘Real funny...must be, like, the male-prostitute district’ and he was making some gay joke at my expense." "But then I realized he was being sincere. That really confused me." Alex proceeded to scratch his head for 20 minutes, then fell asleep. ### BRAD NOT RETURNING JESUS’ PHONE CALLS "Fuck that guy", says Bradley. Pleasanton CA 04/04/02 – Sitting cross-armed and tight-lipped by a ringing phone, Brad, ex-drummer of forgotten East Bay punk band Your Mother, announced he’s not returning any of Jesus’s phone calls. "He can call all he wants, It’s just going to ring," snarled Bradley while disconnecting the answering machine. "I don’t know who he thinks he is." Jesus Christ, our lord and savior, has tried relentlessly to reconcile the stormy relationship between he and Bradley. According to sources, the rift in their previously long-term friendship came when Christ stole a former love interest of Bradley. "I wish he wouldn’t be angry with me, it troubles me so." Gently beamed Christ. "I wish He’d just fuck off and die," hissed Bradley. "Again." ### CRAIG TOTALLY JUST FARTED "Did you guys hear that?" asks Craig Pleasanton, CA 02/01/01 – While perusing the celebrity nude magazines at the Pleasanton, CA Borders Books, the former lead guitarist and singer for punk band Your Mother suddenly dropped to a "Spread-Eagle" position on the carpet and farted "a big, wet one." Craig, an ex-employee of mega-chain bookstore Border’s, was trying to spy some bakery samples when the "pants splittin’ rectal projectile" became the focus his talk. Visibly shaken by the sheer power of his own anus, Craig then left to check his boxers to make sure he didn't "spray stucco." One witness, Torin Stafford, seemed to be unable to contain his laughter, "That dirty fucker gets me every time." "Once I was at the information desk and this, like, hundred year old lady starts asking me about Cooking with Raisins or something, and Craig just saddled up behind her and let out a juicy!" Other witnesses were not as excited. "I don’t even flinch anymore," says Sean Hugginin, music department manager and all around Goddamned Bad-Ass Motherfucker. "At first it was hilarious, but now I wonder what’s wrong with that guy." The long-suffering crotch of Craig’s pants could not be reached for comment. ### MIKEY GROWS HORN Science, Parents stunned Castro Valley CA 04/03/02– This morning was much like any other morning for Mikey, ex-guitarist for bay area punk band Your Mother. He enjoyed a nice breakfast, followed by heavy, heavy beer drinking. But what made this particular day unusual for the 26-year old squeegee technician was the appearance of a two-foot razor sharp horn in the middle of his forehead. "At first I was like ‘What the fuck?’" snorted Mikey, "but then, after I regained my balance, I was like, ‘Killer!’" Although only twelve hours old, MIkey seems to already have a natural mastery over the horn and it’s various predatory uses such as: sharpening, thrusting, gouging, gorging and tick removal. "He may be a lot cooler looking now, but he’s a lot more territorial too," claims Muck, Mikey’s roommate and rival Alpha male. "He split my PC monitor in two, dry humped the dishwasher, and then peed on my bed. I don’t like to use the tranquilizer darts, but I’m afraid I'll have to." "Besides I think he really likes them." The appearance of Mikey’s horn seems to be the next in a series of strange physical mutations among the former Your Mother lineup Craig’s 3-foot wide Dixie cup shaped nipples and Joe’s newfound ability to shit rails of fire are recent examples of this disturbing trend. ### ALAN TO SECEDE FROM HAIR, BELLY New entities to be called "North Alan", "South Alan" and "Central 3-Egg Omeletville" Portland, Ore.04/02/02 – At a press conference in the pet-care section of Fred Meyer today, Alan, ex-Bassist of east bay punk band Your Mother, announced plans to secede from his hairdo and gut. "This is an amicable parting with complete consent and agreement by all three parties," assured Alan’s hair, now known as "North Alan". "We all have a great deal of mutual respect for one another. But the time has come to go in our separate directions." "We all went in separate directions anyway," commented Alan’s pot-belly Frederico, now "Central 3-Egg Omeletville", "Which always caused some really strange, graceless flailing. This is for the best." After the press conference, "North Alan" and "Central 3-Egg Omeletville" stayed to sign autographs, while the rest of the Former Republic of Alan, now "South Alan", continued struggling with the 45 or so Red Vines in his mouth. ###
SOME KID "ALEX"
FOR HALLOWEEN Morgan, ex-singer for the now defunct Bay Area punk band The Jocks, and current singer for Sharp Knife, and for some reason member of The Unit Breed, reported that, "Some kid at my high school went as you for Halloween last year." The "you" referenced being Alex, who at the time was sharing a Quizno’s oven-roasted sandwich and stolen cookie with Morgan in the back of a van at a central California truck stop. Alex’s tenure as Head Cheerleader with former East Bay punk band Your Mother produced a vast array of colorful, home-made costumes, ranging from the comical to the disturbingly aerobic. The anonymous high school kid in question chose a look from the dancer’s (often called "Alamagordo the Flying Poof") later period. The now infamous "Rainbow Rider" ensemble, a hella gay-ass little number, consisted of small, tight rainbow shorts, a tight rainbow shirt, rainbow leg-warmers, elbow-length rainbow gloves, rainbow roller-skates, all topped off with a LED-studded, blinking rainbow headband. Sources are unclear as to the severity of the beating the high school kid received. ###
Berkeley, CA, 3/30/02 - Ex-Chu Chi Nut Nut and The Pine Cone Express bass player, Buffy the Fanny, was remarked Saturday night to have resembled ex-singer for Chu Chi Nut Nut and The Pine Cone Express, Chu Chi Nut Nut, the actual fucking mayor of Nutville, and also ex-cheerleader for punk band Your Mother. "Hahahahahaha," Buffy responded. Then added, "You dick." The comments began when Buffy was spotted from a distance wearing glasses and a new, short, sideburned hairstyle similar to the Mayor's fresh Brillo-style often courted when the Mayor "can't fucking take" his hair getting unruly and big. Comments escalated when Buffy hunched over into a grumpy old man position and began complaining. Doppelgangers are no strangers to the ex-Your Mother boys. Mikey, ex-guitarist for punk band Your Mother, has been mistaken for Billie Joe to the extent that he is now dating Billie Joe's ex-girlfriend. Ex-bass player for punk band Your Mother, Alan, has a look-a-like by the name of Ernst, a man who once proposed releasing a Your Mother record until he found out the band was all over the age of 20. ("But all your songs about farts and jerking off! How was I to know you were so old?!?!" Ernst said to the band after the realization.) Craigums, ex-guitarist for punk band Your Mother, once bared a striking resemblance to a mop. After he cut his dreadlocks off it was noticed for the first time how much he looked like his dad, especially after he put on his dad's Bad Billy's baggy skull pants and leather jacket. And of course Bradley, ex-drummer for punk band Your Mother, has been confused for "That guy who works at The Gap" and "That guy who just bought something from The Gap." But Joe, ex-vocalist for punk band Your Mother, remains somewhat of an enigma, an original who is unmatched in any way, least of all in his sleeping habits, vagina paintings and puddle-drinking. Any clues to a possible Joe counterpart should be forwarded to the band, and that person should be guarded with extreme caution. Salvador Dali could not be reached for comment.###
BLACK HOLE FOUND ON EARTH Labelled on area maps as "San Jose" 02/11/01, San Jose - Residents of the urban and suburban southern Bay Area have long known about their inability to accomplish tasks, but until now it has been largely kept secret. "Ideas are born and projects are started," said Alex, ex-cheerleader of punk band Your Mother and San Jose resident, "but that's about as far as things go." "And if the Mad Dog's flowin' it don't even make it that far!" added Joe, ex-vocalist for punk band Your Mother and fellow San Jose resident. Like most shortcomings, San Jose's failure to "follow through" never really mattered until it effected the world around it. Buffy the Fanny, bass player for Chu Chi Nut Nut & The Pine Cone Express which features ex-members of punk band Your Mother, was once a resident of San Jose. He recalls, "never doing shit (laughs). We just fucked around and got drunk and naked all the time (laughs). We usually started bands that never practiced then complained about not going anywhere or accomplishing anything (laughs). I had to get out of that shit hole rut of a fucking town (laughs), so I moved to Berkeley where nobody ever expected me to get anything done in the first place (laughs)." Bradley and Craigums, both ex-members of punk band Your Mother, were able to produce an unending list of examples where San Jose had lowered their morale, killed their spirit, and occasionally poisoned them with burritos hiding trace amounts of horsemeat. "I blame God for San Jose," says Bradley. "I blame Bradley for God," says Craigums, displaying through transitive property that San Jose is not his favorite place. He added, "I have yet to go down [to San Jose] for a single purpose and leave having accomplished it. It seems the only way I could do that is if I said 'Okay, I'm going to San Jose to make sure nothing gets done' (Buffy laughs)." But the final blow came when The Adversives, featuring ex-fans of punk band Your Mother, drove out to San Jose from Idaho for two shows. "We thought we had two shows down here this week," Bug explained last night in his new emo haircut, "but one of those apparently got cancelled a couple weeks ago and there never was a second show." When asked what he did in lieu of playing the non-existent shows, Bug said, "We were invited repeatedly to share meals with the locals but basically just sat on Joe's (ex-singer for punk band Your Mother) porch for six hours waiting for them to come pick us up." In somber resignation, he added, "They never did." So it appears that the cat is out of the bag. With The Adversives traveling the 12,650 miles back to Idaho they have ample time to spread the news that San Jose is "nothing more than a big Black Hole." ###
CRAIG THREATENS MIKEY WITH LOGIC, REASON "Huh?" says Mikey Pleasanton, CA, 4/20/01 - Responding to threats of physical harm from Mikey, ex-guitarist of punk band Your Mother, Craig, also an ex-guitarist of punk band Your Mother, dealt with Mikey by use of calm, cool reasoning, a trick he picked up from years of studying the Brady Bunch. "Dude, I don't know what you're talking about," Craig told Mikey over a shared cheese pizza with whole wheat crust. The issue appeared to be dropped when Mikey furrowed his brow and went off in search of something to dismantle and eventually cause injury to someone. Though the grounds for the orignial threats are uncertain, Craig believes it was because he placed chewed bubbble gum into the socks and underwear Mikey wore as he lay passed out on the floor of Joe's van - the same van Mikey broke 30 minutes earlier. Mikey's underwear can not be found for comment. ###
CRAIG FACING GREAT DANGER Pleasanton, CA, 4/13/01 - Craig, ex-guitarist/vocalist of punk band Your Mother, was recently threatened with physical violence by Mikey, ex-guitarist of punk band Your Mother. According to Mikey, "He had better knock it off...OR ELSE!!!" Mikey also added, "He knows what the hell I'm talking about." Craig could not be reached for comment. ###
JOE DRINKS FROM PUDDLE San Jose, CA, 3/12/01 – Thirsty, drunk and alone, a desperate Joe, ex singer for punk band Your Mother, got down on his fucking hands and knees and drank directly from a fucking puddle of rainwater sometime in the small hours of the night. ###
MIKEY UNVEILS TWO POINT PLAN TO ELIMINATE POSERS "We shall overcome!" Castro Valley, CA, 3/10/01 – Fearing the widespread tentacles of a "secret, worldwide poser conspiracy", Mikey, ex-guitarist of punk band Your Mother, today publicly announced his self-mounted counterstrike. The aggressive stance, labeled "Operation Respect my Nuts", was outlined in a press conference Mikey held at the Lyons diner on Castro Valley blvd., not too far from the BART station. "The operation consists of two crucial pro-active stages," Mikey told a crowd of bus boys, "One, I hit your face. Two, you hit the ground. Simple as that, Capiche?" When asked about the methods Mikey planned to use in his determination of who is or is not part of the poser threat, he quickly replied, "Hey, how do I know you’re not one, shit for brains?" Following his comment, a bus boy asked Mikey who died and made him "der Furher." Mikey responded by holding his face over the deep fryer. He then closed the conference with, "Don’t skate if you can’t relate." This is not Mikey’s first attempt to deal with the looming threat of poser activity. In 1997, he was arrested after attempting to flood a Pacific Sunwear store. Charges were later dropped after the store’s inventory, consisting mainly of swimwear, dried. ###
JOE UNEMPLOYED AGAIN Gruff growler taken to drinking Strawberry MD 20/20 San Jose, CA, 3/4/01 – After realizing he could not steal, cheat or swindle his new place of business for various printing and pre-press needs, Joe, ex-singer of punk band Your Mother, is once again jobless. Although not a condition Joe is any stranger to, this most recent severance has introduced a new element into the mix: cheap booze. "All personal freedoms should be banned," related Joe from under his kitchen table. "And sometimes, you think you can eat that much crab, but you can’t!" Joe then emptied the remaining contents of his Pina Colada Saint Ides into a sauce pan and began lapping it like a cat. Further responses were entirely muffled by the linoleum. ###
CRAIG OUTS ALEX TO ALEX "Come on, we all know it," jibes Craig San Francisco, CA, 11/01 – Confusion arose after an unexpected confrontation during a casual lunch which ended with awkward silence and egg throwing. Craig , ex-guitarist of punk band Your Mother, "outed" Alex, ex-cheerleader of punk band Your Mother as they sat in El Toro taqueria in San Francisco’s Mission district. Craig had "outed" Alex, to Alex, with the deadpan phrase, "It’s cool, you’re gay." Silence followed for several seconds. Craig, claiming he, "Just farted", finally broke the silence. "At first I thought he was kidding, but he seemed unflinchingly serious," said Alex, wearing a tasteful green woman’s sweater with a rainbow insignia, tight blue jeans with little white buttons on the fanny pockets and a brand new set of earrings to accentuate his recent crew cut. "I told him the last 6 women I have seen or made out with have been lesbians, and he hit me with this. Boy was I cross!" Alex’s tasteful green sweater was not available for comment, but is none the less fabulous. ###
THEY SAVED HITLER’S COCK Apparently hid under rock Samoa, 02/01/82 – They saved Hitler’s cock. They hid it under a rock. I discovered it, last night. I couldn’t even believe my eyes. If Hitler’s cock could start to talk, it would say to kill today. If Hitler’s cock could choose it’s mate, it would ask for Sharon Tate! They saved Hitler’s cock. They stuffed it into a sock. They saved Hitler’s cock, and man it want’s to talk. Now it's starting to get hard. I planted it in my back yard. Every night it kills a dog, and now it want’s some "night and fog"(sic). Hitler’s cock is on the loose and I’m scared of it wants to do. ###
YM MAGAZINE TO PURCHASE YOURMOTHER.COM FOR UNDISCLOSED AMOUNT Teen mag plans to start new alternative entertainment portal New York, NY, 2/1/01 - YM magazine (owned by parent company Gruner and Jahr Publishing) announced today that it had purchased the rights to YOURMOTHER.COM (http://www.yourmother.com), formerly owned by the ex-members of punk band Your Mother. According to Gruner and Jahr spokesperson Catherine Haynes, the magazine has been looking for ways to bring alternative culture into its popular YM.COM (http://www.ym.com) website while still keeping a common theme. "The addition of YOURMOTHER.COM to the YM.COM roster will strengthen our place in the teen market. This merger will also help validate our new tagline 'YM is Your Magazine', which we launched four months ago to great success." The former owners of YOURMOTHER.COM, the ex-members of punk band Your Mother, are happy as well. "While we agreed to not discuss the financial aspects of this deal, lets just say I'll be well stocked on Clif Bars for a long, long time" said Craig, ex-guitarist of punk band Your Mother, who owned 1/6th of the domain name and website. Alan, ex-bassist of punk band Your Mother, who also owned 16th of the domain name and website, agreed. "After quitting my last band two days ago, I was afraid that I'd have to go back to work at the gas station. Luckily, I've been spared that ominous torture by our friends and associates at Gruner and Jahr Publishing." While exact plans for the website have not been made public, Haynes mentioned that it will be replaced with "an interactive alternative entertainment media portal" on March 1st. ###
ALAN QUITS METALLICA Upset over Fan Club debacle 01/30/01, San
Jose, CA - Less than two weeks after it was formally announced that
Alan, ex-bassist of punk band Your Mother, would be taking over bass
duties in Metallica, it was announced that Alan has tendered his resignation
effective immediately. ###
ALAN TO REPLACE JASON NEWSTED IN METALLICA 01/17/01, San
Jose, CA - In a press conference today it was announced that Alan,
ex-bassist of punk band Your Mother, would take over for the recently
departed Jason Newsted in heavy metal band Metallica. ###
ALAN ELUSIVE TO PLANS FOR FRIDAY 01/03/01, San Jose, CA - Alan, former bass player of punk band Your Mother, will be doing something this friday night Jan. 5th, 2001. After pulling teeth for many hours Joe, former singer of punk band Your Mother, has yet to find out what that something might be. The last Joe heard about Alan's plans this friday was in an email with the reply: "I don't know yet. But I'll be doing something." ###
ALAN ADMITS SKATEBOARD SUMMER WAS JUST PANCAKE SUMMER ALL OVER AGAIN Apologizes profusely for pretending to be athletic 10/04/00, San Jose, CA - In a stunning recant, Alan, ex-bassist of punk band Your Mother, fessed up that the much-lauded "Skateboard Summer" that was planned for the months of June-August 2000 was actually replaced with yet another Pancake Summer. "I had full intention of using these summer months to get back in shape and improve my skateboarding skills" claimed Alan. "But I got a couple new recipes for pancakes, and I ended spending the entire summer inside again. Sorry about that." Back in April, Alan declared summer 2000 "Skateboard Summer", much to the awe of his friends and relatives, who had consistently seen him put on weight during his much publicized "Breakfast Food Summers". Past summers have included Pancake, Omelet and Hashbrown concentrations. ###
JOE RE-ENTERS HAIR CONTEST, CRAIG RUMORED TO BE OUT Record-breaking hair growth stuns, frightens all contestants 10/01/00, San Jose, CA - Big news regarding the ex-Your Mother hair contest. Joe, ex-vocalist of punk band Your Mother, has re-grown his hair after chopping it in a fit of anger six months ago. While his length is not up to the level of Mikey, ex-guitarist of punk band Your Mother, or Alan, ex-bassist of punk band Your Mother, it has passed its previous level. All inside sources had pegged Alan as the fast-hair farmer in the group, and he is rumored to have taken a two-haircut handicap just to even out the odds. Some bets have now been placed on Joe, since his mane seems to be growing at an alarming one inch per month. In other Hair Contest news, rumor has it that Craig, ex-guitarist of punk band Your Mother, may have sacrificed his position in the race for the sake of mohawk. Craig is currently vacationing in Japan so this rumor can not be confirmed. Many close followers of the contest have speculated that if Craig cuts his hair, most of it will not grow back due to male pattern baldness, excessive hair dye and stress. If this rumor is true, then the contest has dwindled down to a mere three members - Joe, Alan and Mikey. Alex, ex-cheerleader of punk band Your Mother, dropped out after a nasty run in with a Mullet in Texas. ###
YONATHAN KIFLE DECLARED RULER OF YOURMOTHER.COM GUESTBOOK San Jose teen posts 64,432nd message 9/22/00, San Jose, CA - Yonathan Kifle, a self-described "Your Mother fan" and guestbook nut, has been declared Triple Ultimate Supreme Ruler of the yourmother.com guestbook, beating out other regulars such as Hawaii's Dave NoOdle (sic) and all members of the Castro Valley, CA band Shitty Butt Fuckers. Kifle caught many other guestbook-posters by surprise by using several different aliases, such as Yoni, Yonathan, Yo-Nathan and yonaTHAN. Mr. Kifle has also posted several times without leaving a name at all. According to regular poster Dave NoOdle (sic), these methods are not only cunning and sly, but borderline unethical. "I would have posted at least three times a day if I had known all those mysterious posts were coming from the same place" said NoOdle (sic). "I could ruled this guestbook, I know it!" Kifle was suprisingly reserved when asked about his new found glory. "Cool, I guess. Hey Alan, I wrote a new Erotic Toothbrush song, when are you going to come learn it?" said Yonathan as he threw his plaque on a shelf adorned with many other similar guestbook plaques from websites such as nothingenterprises.com and thejocks.newdisorder.com. ###
CHU CHI NUT NUT CALLS IT QUITS "I can't handle the stress" says Buffy 7/16/00, Nutville, USA - After several lineup changes and several semi-succesful tours, rock band Chu Chi Nut Nut has thrown in the hat. Citing musical differences, drug addictions, relationship difficulties and legal problems with their former label, the band decided to end its 6 month reign as Nutville's premiere bar rock band. Core members Chu Chi, Muchi Moose and Bruce Caboose spoke candidly about the controversial issues surrounding the musical group, while other members such as Buffy the Fanny and the recently acquired El Blammo decided to let most of the events unfold in court; Both are suing the band for breach of contract, sexual harassment and musical ineptitude. When asked about the breakup, lead vocalist Chu Chi said "While I love the idea of heading up the thriving Nutville bar rock scene, my duties as Mayor really need to take front burner. Plus, I'm god damn sick of that fucking asshole Muchi always forgetting the backup vocals." ###
ALAN PURCHASES MONSTER BASS RIG 7/1/00, San Jose, CA - After several years of borrowing equipment, Alan, ex-bassist of punk band Your Mother, purchased a 500 watt Sunn bass amplifier and speaker cabinet. Oddly enough, Alan no longer plays bass in any band, but "just couldn't pass up this monster rig." Joe, ex-vocalist of punk band Your Mother, was visibly upset by the purchase, mainly because Alan plans to keep the equipment in Joe's garage, where many of his broken bass amplifiers now rest. Fans of Your Mother will remember that Alan has not actually owned a working bass amp in the past 4 years, yet managed to borrow a different amplifier each time Your Mother performed. ###
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