no longer a band, now just a website!

Your Mother
PO Box 623
Pleasanton, CA 94566
www.yourmother.com

Bringing you up-to-date information on the activities, whereabouts, habits and launchings of the ex-members of Your Mother.

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JOE EMPLOYED

First full-time position for 26 year old ex-vocalist

6/15/00, Cupertino, CA - After three years of unemployment and 26 years of not having a full-time job, Joe, ex-vocalist of punk band Your Mother, was hired by Cupertino-based printing firm Linotext.

"It will be interesting to see how [Joe] copes with juggling his full-time rocker position AND his new full-time film output technician position." Said Alan, ex-bassist of punk band Your Mother. "Plus it will be weird because he won't have to borrow all of my money anymore."

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MIKEY ON THIRD BEER

"How many did you have, like one?", asks Mikey 6/1/00, Castro Valley, CA - Mikey, ex-guitarist of punk band Your Mother, recently pounded three Pabst Blue Ribbon brand beers within 7 minutes, after a long day of watching wrestling.

Mikey was joined by Alex, ex-cheerleader of punk band Your Mother, for the early evening beer bust. However, Alex could not keep up with Mikey's rapid beer consumption and was ridiculed throughout the night.

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CRAIG FALLS ILL

"My doctor doesn't know what the fuck this is" says Craig

5/1/00, Pleasanton, CA - Just mere days away from Chu Chi Nut Nut's premiere performance, Craig, ex-guitarist of punk band Your Mother and guitarist of new band Chu Chi Nut Nut, has fallen ill with an unexplained disease.

While his doctor is not sure what caused his sudden illness, many Pleasanton residents feel it may be a case of Strep Throat, which has been running rampant in the normally-quiet Bay Area suburb.

According to resident and Craig's co-worker Pete Wagner "[Craig] has all the same symptoms I had last week when I was diagnosed with Strep. The week before that my girlfriend had it, so I guess its going around."



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JOE CUTS HAIR

First to break in long-running Hair War

4/19/00, San Jose, CA - Joe, ex-vocalist of punk band Your Mother, cut his hair today. Joe had joined in a "Hair War" or "Hair Race" contest with Alan, ex-bassist of punk band Your Mother, Craig, ex-guitarist of punk band Your Mother, Mikey, ex-guitarist of punk band Your Mother and Alex, ex-cheerleader of punk band Your Mother. The contest started sometime in the summer of 1999, and has no set end point.

Joe was the first contestant to be driven insane by his long hair. While he is not officially out of the contest, which has no actual rules, many insiders believe he has severly damaged any chance of winning the amazing yet-to-be-determined prize that will be bestowed upon the winner.

Contrary to popular belief, the "Hair Race" is not only about length, but also style. Many agree that Mikey's curly flowing long hair is a shoo-in to take first place, especially with Joe out of the way, but Craig's "washed-up rocker look" is definitely closing in. Alan, who took a handicap of two haircuts during the contest because of his extremely fast growing hair, definitely is winning the "most unkempt" section of the Race as we speak.

Joe's broken locks could not be reached for comment.

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ALAN SEES ROOMMATE

4/18/00, San Jose, CA - Alan, ex-bassist of punk band Your Mother, saw his roommate Rick at home for the first time in two weeks today. Rick, whose girlfriend who lives in San Francisco, usually comes home 2-3 times a week at least. Rick's whereabouts were unknown for about a week until last Thursday, when Alan saw Rick at local San Jose bar the Caravan. They chatted briefly and Rick mentioned that "[he'd] see Alan back at their house later in the night." Rick never showed, leading Alan to think "hey, its nice and quiet around here."

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CRAIG BUYS FREESTYLE WALKING SHOES

"What a dork" says Mikey

4/10/00, Pleasanton, CA - Craig, ex-guitarist of punk band Your Mother, purchased way nerdy "freestyle walking" shoes today at Big 5 sporting goods. "They were only $30, how could I pass that up?" remarked Craig, after trying to "grind" a cement curb in San Jose.

Upon hearing of Craig's purchase, Mikey, ex-guitarist of punk band Your Mother, exclaimed "What a dork."

Freestyle Walking is a talentless sport that is even lower than Rollerblading on the hip sport scale.

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ALAN CRAPS PANTS

4/9/00, San Jose, CA - Alan, ex-bassist of punk band Your Mother, crapped his pants today while riding his new longboard down a steep hill in the Almaden area of San Jose.

Alan has owned the longboard for close to a month, but this is the first time he had a chance to try it out on a steep downhill grade. The board, which is four feet long and is equipped with 70mm wheels, was made with fast downhill rides in mind, yet Alan still had trouble on the quarter-mile hill he and Joe, ex-vocalist of punk band Your Mother, were skating down.

The first 300 feet of the hill were fine, but according to Alan, "after that all hell broke loose." The heavy board picked up momentum much faster than the normal skateboards Alan is used to, and after rounding the first turn he became frightened, jumped off the board and crapped his pants while trying to suddenly stop while running.

"An object in motion tends to stay in motion" said Alan, who's father holds a physics degree from the Massachusetts Institute of Technology. "And when I tried to break the laws of science by jumping off the speeding board and expecting to come to a screeching halt, my body said 'nu-uh, no way' and proceeded to fling crap out of my ass in defiance."

Alan's father could not be reached for comment.

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CHU-CHI NUT NUT ANNOUNCES THIRD CONSECUTIVE TOUR

4/9/00, San Jose, CA - Chu-Chi Nut Nut and the Pine Cone Express announced plans today for a third consecutive Sunday afternoon tour during today's afternoon tour.

The final itinerary of the April 16th, 2000 tour has not been announced, but reliable sources have confirmed that it may include stops at Joe's house, La Victoria Taqueria and multiple skateboarding spots. Members of the band neither confirmed or denied these rumors, with Doany, bassist of Chu-Chi Nut Nut and the Pine Cone Express stating only "I hope everyone shows up this time, I'm gonna be pissed if they flake again."

Joe, drummer of Chu-Chi Nut Nut and the Pine Cone Express and ex-vocalist of punk band Your Mother, replied "Hey, I'm always here, besides, I have the van."

This afternoon's tour included stops at Joe's house for practice and recording, Falafel Drive-In for lunch, and Guitar Center for making fun of wankers and purchasing a reel for Joe's recording studio. Today's tour marked a pivotal point in the band's history as their van was aptly renamed from "Black Lightning" to "Brown Thunder".

Chu-Chi Nut Nut and the Pine Cone Express consists of several ex-members of punk band Your Mother and Doany, drummer of the legendary East Bay Funk band Ferberger. While no live performances have been scheduled, the band does plan to meet the public eye within a few months.

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ALAN DECLARES SKATEBOARD SUMMER

4/9/00, San Jose, CA - Summer 2000 has officially been declared "Skateboard Summer" by Alan, ex-bassist of punk band Your Mother.

The tradition of naming each summer started in 1996 with the declaration of Omelet Summer. During Omelet Summer Alan gained over 10 pounds, which he has yet to lose. Each summer since has had an official title, including 1998's Pancake Summer and 1999's Hashbrown Summer.

Skateboard Summer is significant in that it is the first time the summer has not been named after a breakfast food item. According to Alan, "The years of breakfast summers were taking a toll on my body, spirit and mind. Its a new millennium, and time for a new outlook on life."

To celebrate Skateboard Summer, Alan has vowed to skateboard to work everyday and spend Sunday afternoons skateboarding with friends. Saturdays are reserved for remembering past summers.

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ALAN DOES LAUNDRY

4/9/00, San Jose, CA - Holy shit!

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CHU-CHI NUT NUT PRACTICE CANCELED WITH NO NOTICE

4/4/00, San Jose, CA - After several days of hype and phone calls, Chu-Chi Nut Nut and the Pine Cone Express practice was canceled at the last minute because only one member showed up.

Chu-Chi Nut Nut and the Pine Cone Express, a new band comprised of ex-members of punk band Your Mother, and Doany, drummer of legendary East Bay funk band Ferberger, has had little luck scheduling regular practices. The band has been together ever since Your Mother officially disbanded in January 2000, but has only had about 5 actual practices due to the extreme flakiness and blatant disregard for schedules that plagued Your Mother's 10 year stint.

Tonight's scheduled practice was supposed to be a turning point in Chu-Chi Nut Nut's turbulent career, as it would have been the first time two practices had been completed without some sort of cancellation.

Doany, bassist of Chu-Chi Nut Nut and the Pine Cone Express, was the first to show up for practice at Joe's house, which was scheduled for 8pm. Alex, singer of Chu-Chi Nut Nut and the Pine Cone Express and ex-cheerleader of punk band Your Mother, was "at school." Alan, guitarist of Chu-Chi Nut Nut and the Pine Cone Express and ex-bassist of punk band Your Mother, "had the flu" and was "hanging out with his girlfriend, who also had the flu". Craig, guitarist of Chu-Chi Nut Nut and the Pine Cone Express and ex-guitarist of punk band Your Mother, "couldn't make it." Joe, drummer of Chu-Chi Nut Nut and the Pine Cone Express and ex-vocalist of punk band Your Mother, had to "go 'shopping' for some 'stuff'".

Doany, who had joined the band 3 days prior, was not amused, especially since he lives 50 miles away from the practice space.

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MIKEY MISSES WRESTLEMANIA 2000

4/2/00, Castro Valley, CA - Mikey, ex-guitarist of punk band Your Mother, missed the much-hyped wrestling event Wrestlemania 2000 today, even after paying $50 for the pay-per-view broadcast.

"I could have sworn it was on at 8, not 3!" claimed Mikey, who proceeded to beat the crap out of his end table in frustration.

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CRAIG WITNESSES ALAN RAILSLIDING

"How does he do that?!" Asks ex-guitarist.

4/2/00, San Jose, CA - Craig, ex-guitarist of punk band Your Mother, witnessed Alan, ex-bassist of punk band Your Mother, perform several railslide maneuvers at the legendary Little Orchard skate spot in San Jose today.

According to Craig, he had "never seen anything like it" since Alan had vowed never to perform another railslide more than a year before he met Craig and Craig's dad in the pit of an Exodus concert in 1990.

In related news, during a visit to the punkest house in San Jose, Craig was cajoled by friends Alan and Joe, ex-vocalist of punk band Your Mother, into "dropping in" on the punkest "half-pipe" ramp in San Jose. Amazingly, he escaped unscathed.

None of the punks could be reached for comment, as they were all busy playing softball at the time.

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ALEX WASTED, BREAKS ANKLE

Pool table named main culprit

3/30/00, Pleasanton, CA - In the midst of a night of "moderate" partying, Alex, ex-cheerleader of punk band Your Mother, somehow passed out while standing up and broke his ankle.

According to witnesses, Alex was "kinda" wasted, and collapsed while standing next to the Trepell family pool table. When he was woken up by friends, he felt a sharp pain in his leg and noticed that he had a pool ball stuck to the back of his head.

Alex feels that he definitely wasn't wasn't "wasted enough to just fall over" and that there must have been someone with an ulterior motive. Right now the pool table is the main culprit, along with "whatever the heck he must have been smoking that night".

Neither the pool table or whatever the heck he must have been smoking that night could be reached for comment.

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ALAN REMEMBERS HOW TO RAILSLIDE

3/26/00, San Jose, CA - Alan, ex-bassist of punk band Your Mother, remembered how to railslide today, more than ten years after vowing never to attempt the risky skateboard maneuver.

Alan was well-known as the railslide king of Livermore, CA until a deadly match-up with a plastic pipe left him mortally wounded in 1989.

After much encouragement by Joe, ex-vocalist of punk band Your Mother, Alan finally got enough courage to break his solemn promise and railslide at legendary San Jose skate spot Little Orchard.

"I feel good that I have gone against my morals once again" said Alan, who is well-known for failing to live up to his own aspirations and goals.

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MIKEY MEETS GIRLS; EATS PLANT

3/20/00, San Jose, CA - A night of heaving drinking and mingling was topped off by Mikey, ex-guitarist of punk band Your Mother, consuming a large green houseplant, leaf by leaf.

Mikey, well known for acting foolish in front of females in hopes of impressing them/driving them away so he can wallow in self-pity forever, topped himself tonight by not only eating a much-loved houseplant, but also urinating on neighborhood vehicles.

Mikey's usual routine around females involves pulling down his pants, falling on his back and passing out. According to Joe, ex-singer of punk band Your Mother, "no one is sure why he broke from the well-defined pattern, its worked so well repelling and attracting girls at the same time. I just don't get it, why would he change now?"



The houseplant could not be reached for comment.

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ALAN FORGETS ABOUT EROTIC TOOTHBRUSH CONCERT

Ex-bassist plays air hockey instead; loses.

3/19/00, San Jose, CA - Alan, ex-bassist of punk band Your Mother, missed local band Erotic Toothbrush's Campbell performance this week after promising friend Yonathon that he would go.

Alan ended up at Golfland in Sunnyvale, where he played Air Hockey, Medieval Madness and Hydro Thunder. Alan apparently did not miss much, legendary San Jose band Erotic Toothbrush (of which Alan was once a member, back when they were known as 'Ironic Toothbrush') was not allowed to perform their 7-minute set because some lame dumbasses messed everything up, like always.

The lame dumbasses could not be reached for comment.

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MIKEY CONDUCTS SURVEY: "WHAT THE FUCK?"

3/18/00, Oakland, CA - A recent survey by Mikey, ex-guitarist of punk band Your Mother, resulted in almost unanimous replies of "huh?" by his co-workers.

Mikey polled about 1/3rd of the 40 workers employed at his work with one question: "What the Fuck?"

There were only two dissenting opinions in the bunch. Spike and Snot, ex-members of Berkeley punk band Shitfuck, replied with "stick it up your ass, dickwad."

Neither Spike nor Snot could be reached for comment, as both were in the process of OD'ing on cheap heroin.

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JOE UNEMPLOYED

3/17/00, San Jose, CA - Joe, ex-vocalist of punk band Your Mother, has been unemployed for nearly three years, and has never held a full-time job. The 26 year old artist and musician recently confided with good friend Alan, ex-bassist of punk band Your Mother, that he "really needed to get a job one of these days."

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3 INJURED IN EXTREME BRODEO

3/4/00, San Jose, CA - Three San Jose residents were brutally injured after watching a Jet Li film with third degree black belt and political science student Al Ruel.

Al, who was in town on spring break to "drink some brewskies and eat some donuts" was filled with adrenaline and rage after an hour and a half of nonstop kung fu action.

Those injured by Al's flying karate chops included Joe, ex-singer of punk band Your Mother, and Alan (no relation to Al), ex-bassist of punk band Your Mother.

Al may be better known as ex-drummer of legendary Sunnyvale punk band Mystery Machine, but he is also famous for taming the "Wild Turkey" and wearing X's on his hands until he turned 21.

Jet Li could not be reached for comment.

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MIKEY PLANS HOMICIDE

2/26/00, Castro Valley, CA - Mikey, ex-guitarist of punk band, Your Mother, is going to kill Joe, ex-vocalist of punk band, Your Mother.

According to sources, Mikey became infuriated this morning after being informed by Alan, ex-bass player of punk band Your Mother, that Joe had "gone to see the Drunk Injuns" but had not said when or where they were playing.

The Drunk Injuns were a legendary skate-rock band from San Jose who have not performed together in 15 years and, according to Mikey, "totally rule" and are "like one of [his] all time faves."

Details surrounding the impending homicide are still unclear but several threatening messages have been left on Joe's answering machine by Mikey.

Neither Joe or the Drunk Injuns could be reached for comment.

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BRAD STEPS OUT OF HIDING FOR A MOMENT

2/22/00, Azusa, CA - Brad, ex-drummer of punk band Your Mother, briefly contacted the other ex-members of punk band Your Mother this evening.

For some, this had been the first sight of the reclusive Brad, who spends his days sitting on the couch watching soap operas while his girlfriend goes to school and works full time to pay rent.

The contact came through a 5-word email that said "So what about the inserts?" This was in response to another email (subject: covers) that Alan, ex-bassist of punk band Your Mother, had sent out the day before. Alan's message mentioned that the covers for the long-delayed "Weird ALbum" had been shipped from the printers that afternoon.

Further contact with Brad is expected in the coming months.

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ALAN PLAYS 'THE SIMS' FOR 30 HOURS STRAIGHT

2/22/00, San Jose, CA - Alan, ex-bassist of punk band Your Mother, set a record today by playing a popular new computer game for more than 30 hours in a row.

The Sims is a people simulation game, taking the concepts of Sim City to a microscopic level - the neighborhood. Alan has several houses in the neighborhood that he controls, although the past 30 hours was spent mainly with one character, Oochie Poochie.

Mr. Poochie is an astronaut about to be the first man to set foot on the Planet Mars. He recently married a woman named Chris, who is a whitewater rafting instructor and a darn fine dancer. For fun the two often play chess or pinball. They recently purchased an outdoor hot tub for when their friends come over, such as Vance Schwepp, the uncharismatic waiter hoping to break into showbiz.

Mr. Schwepp lives with his confidant Portrero Schwepp. The two have a daughter, Bariella, who was born out of suspicious circumstances.

The Schwepps could not be reached for comment.

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DANGEROUS DOO DOO LEAVES BIG STAIN

2/21/00, Doodoosplat, PP- In a good dong, balls serious denied booty.

"I do say big dong dong," do willy num nums booster. "Pooty floo head. BALLS!!!"

Despite glory bastings and pretty dumdoos, ipsum blickum and fluffy jujus slerve blung. Pee pee slide under foothole. Ninewich also.

Logbiter and shoo shoo could be donged for ca ca.

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JOE AND ALAN CLASH OVER BELTS; ALAN WINS

2/20/00, San Jose, CA - After a bitter week-long argument regarding how many belts are used in a car, Alan, ex-bassist of punk band Your Mother, won the battle by actually looking under his hood and counting three. Joe, ex-vocalist of punk band Your Mother, swore that cars only have one belt.

The discussion started after Alan asked Joe if he had any idea why his 1989 Mazda MX-6 was making a strange squeaking sound while accelerating. Joe responded "it must be your belt." Where the conversation went from there is unclear, but it was stated by Alan that he was "pretty sure" his car had three belts, while Joe was adamant that cars only have one belt.

Alan, who had spent several years working at a service station in Livermore, CA, felt threatened by this accusation but decided that Joe, who has owned several vehicles often in need of dire repair, had more experience with engines and ultimately might have the correct answer.

After actually looking under his hood and finding three separate belts, one of which was rather loose, Alan looked in his owner's manual and confirmed that there are not one but THREE belts used by the engine. It was also noted that the deluxe version of the MX-6 has FOUR belts, the extra one used for air conditioning.

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FERBERGER PRACTICE CANCELED; SKATE SESSION EXTENDED

2/20/00, Sunnyvale, CA - Today's skateboarding session was extended after word that Ferberger (FRBRGR for short) practice was canceled for the umpteenth time.

Ferberger, the Bay Area's premiere thrash-funk band, has gotten off to a rocky beginning due to scheduling problems with the band's members who are scattered between Berkeley, Pleasanton and San Jose. The six piece band includes among others Alan, ex-bassist of punk band Your Mother and Alex, ex-cheerleader of punk band Your Mother along with Doany, ex-drummer of ska band Janitors Against Apartheid.

The skateboarding session, originally scheduled for 10 am Sunday was moved back two hours and took place mainly at The Wave, Sunnyvale's premiere skateboarding spot.

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CRAIG FORCED TO DRIVE

2/20/00, San Jose, CA - Craig, ex-guitarist of punk band Your Mother, was forced to drive to the Wave today despite many protests.

Craig is well-known for his dislike of driving, and has used such excuses as "I don't have the money for gas" and "I drove out to San Francisco last night" to get out of driving duty.

He replied with today's forced driving with both a grimace and a raised shoulders 'what can I do?' look, but drove anyway. No further complaints were heard.

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JOE SLEEPS UNTIL FOUR

2/20/00, San Jose, CA - Joe, ex-vocalist for punk band Your Mother, set a record today by sleeping until 4 PM, effectively missing his skateboarding plans.

Joe has been known to sleep in late before, but usually his girlfriend will wake him up by 2 PM with breakfast. With her out of town this weekend, Joe had an all-morning sleeping party with nothing to ruin it.

Alex, ex-cheerleader of punk band Your Mother exclaimed "I've seen him go to three, but I'd never thought he'd break that barrier. Shit! He stay up for like days in a row. That can't be good for you."

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MIKEY CLAIMS "YOU SUCK!"

2/19/00, San Jose, CA - In an impromptu speech this afternoon, Mikey, ex-guitarist of punk band Your Mother, made it known that you suck.

It was not determined who "you" referred to. When questioned Mikey replied "balls" and ran down the street.

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JOE MAKES PLANS; FORGETS

2/15/00, San Jose, CA - Joe, ex-vocalist of punk band Your Mother, apparently made plans today and forgot all about them.

According to people close to Joe, this is not an uncommon series of events. Alan, ex-bassist of punk band Your Mother, made plans with Joe last weekend to go skateboarding at 10am, but Joe "didn't show up until almost 3pm" after repeated phone calls. Joe had been busy forgetting about the plans he had made with other people that day, including Craig, ex-guitarist of punk band Your Mother, who had expected to meet Joe at noon to finish recording some vocal tracks on six new Your Mother songs that were recorded before the big break-up.

Craig sat outside Joe's house until 1pm, when he left for Alan's house, about two miles away. While he was en route Joe was busy forgetting about plans he had made with his girlfriend to go out to breakfast, and instead he went to take pictures of a house for a painting he was working on.

Joe could not be reached for comment, he forgot that we had set up an interview time.

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MIKEY EMPLOYS WORD "BALLS" REPEATEDLY FOR COMIC EFFECT

2/14/00, Castro Valley, CA - During a 10-minute surge of humor and jokes Mikey, ex-guitarist of punk band Your Mother, used the word "balls" at least 25 times in an effort to make his roommates laugh.

According to Vince, Mikey's roommate and Sales Manager at the Guitar Center's San Francisco location, He also used such words as "ass", "cobra" and "fulcrum" repeatedly for humor's sake. Vince found the combination of "ass cobra" quite funny, but the repeated utterance of "balls balls balls" made him wonder if he had made the wrong choice in allowing Mikey to move into his house.

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BALLS

2/18/00, Castro Valley, CA - Balls, Balls, Balls, Balls, Balls, Balls, Balls, Balls, Balls, Balls, Balls, Balls.

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MIKEY MENTIONS TONY ALVA AT BREAKFAST

2/13/00, Campbell, CA - While dining at the Campbell location of Hobee's restaurants this morning, Mikey, ex-guitarist of punk band Your Mother, made sure to mention his favorite skateboarder, Tony Alva. Most of the fourteen people at his table were unimpressed. Flustered at the lack of respect, Mikey quickly pointed out "he's only the greatest skateboarder who ever lived!"

A few weeks earlier Mikey received a form letter from Tony Alva, thanking him for his interest. It also mentioned the address of Tony Alva's new website, tonyalva.com, which features news on new Alva products and downloadable video segments of Tony Alva in action. Tony Alva could not be reached for comment.

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ALEX INSISTS HE SCORED GOAL DESPITE OBVIOUS ASSIST

2/12/00, San Jose, CA - During a rousing game of soccer this afternoon, Alex, ex-cheerleader of punk band Your Mother, cheered triumphantly after his team (red hats) scored a second goal against their arch rivals (blue hats).

Alex, who has never excelled at sports or anything remotely athletic, was quick to point out that he scored the crucial goal, even though everyone knew that Moez, roommate of Joe, ex-vocalist of punk band Your Mother, actually scored the goal. Alex did help get the ball near the goal but it was Moez, captain of the Blue Hat team, who kicked the ball in the goal while attempting to block it.

Moez on the other hand, adamantly exclaimed that he didn't kick it in at all, and attempted to prove that no goal had been made at all. His claims were quickly tossed aside by members of both teams.

The final score of the game was 1-3 Red Hats.

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ALAN MUDDIED

2/12/00, San Jose, CA - During a rousing and dirty game of soccer this afternoon, Alan, ex-bassist of punk band Your Mother, was fully muddied after falling in several mud puddles on the soccer field.

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ALEX MUDDIED

2/12/00, San Jose, CA - During a rousing and dirty game of soccer this afternoon, Alex, ex-cheerleader of punk band Your Mother, was fully muddied after falling in several mud puddles on the soccer field.

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JOE MUDDIED

2/12/00, San Jose, CA - During a rousing and dirty game of soccer this afternoon, Joe, ex-vocalist of punk band Your Mother, was fully muddied after falling in several mud puddles on the soccer field.

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CRAIG AND MIKEY LATE; NOT MUDDIED

2/12/00, San Jose, CA - Craig and Mikey, ex-guitarists of punk band Your Mother, both of whom had planned on attending a soccer game today that had been planned for several weeks, arrived late and could not participate in the game.

Craig arrived in time to see the 20-odd participants walk back to to Joe's house, shivering, cold and muddy. Joe, ex-vocalist of punk band Your Mother, was one of the participants in the game, and was quite muddy. Craig on the other hand, looked showered, clean and bearded.

Mikey arrived several hours later, blaming a mysterious force he called "work."

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MIKEY BREAKS MOLAR, ASKS ALAN TO SKATE ON SUNDAY

2/2/00, Castro Valley, CA - Mikey, ex-guitarist of punk band Your Mother, reportedly broke one of his rear molars today, moments before emailing Alan, ex-bassist of punk band Your Mother, to see if he was interested in skateboarding on Sunday.

It is unclear at this time whether the molar, which has assisted Mikey with such foods as lettuce, spinach and burritos, was fully shattered, busted in half or merely chipped. One thing is for sure though - Mikey is definitely interested in skateboarding on Sunday.

While Alan felt sorrow for Mikey's tooth, he was excited about the prospect of skateboarding with Mikey on Sunday. He had reportedly made loose plans to skateboard with Craig, ex-guitarist of punk band Your Mother, on Sunday as well, so it would be a fun time for the three of them to get together.

Mikey's molar could not be reached for comment.

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MIKEY SCALDED BY HOT WATER; MOM LAUGHS, END TABLE SNICKERS

2/2/00, Castro Valley, CA - Mikey, ex-guitarist of punk band Your Mother, was mildly scalded after his mom, Mrs. Porter, threw extremely hot water at him. As he winced and screamed in pain, Mrs. Porter laughed, and his end table, already suspect in a previous black eye incident, could be heard snickering in the other room

According to Mikey, his mom laughed because of his humorous and slightly maniacal scream, best described as a whooping "Yeeeeowwwwww!!!!" by most reports.

As it is quite unusual for a mother to laugh at her own son's misfortune, this situation has brought even more doubt to the minds of the other ex-members of Your Mother as to whether or not Mrs. Porter actually exists. "I hear all these crazy stories", said Alan, ex-bassist of punk band Your Mother, " but when it comes right down to it, I've known Mikey for 8 years and not once seen his mom". Many theorize that Mrs. Porter is a figment of Mikey's overactive imagination, which has also reportedly created characters such as "Mikey's other older brother, not the ex-roadie of heavy metal band Testament, whom we all know exists".

The end table and Mikey's make-believe relatives could not be reached for comment.

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CRAIG RETURNS FROM ANTARCTICA, APPARENTLY NOT LOST AFTER ALL

2/1/00, Pleasanton, CA - Craig, ex-guitarist of punk band Your Mother, whom the other ex-members of Your Mother had assumed was lost and/or dead, returned home safely from his 2-week jaunt to Antarctica this morning.

According to Craig, the trip was "fun" but he would not elaborate further. Alan, ex-bassist of punk band Your Mother, thought he was "totally dead or something since I hadn't heard from him in a couple of weeks".

Antarctica could not be reached for comment.

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ALAN LAYS SOME SERIOUS THUMB ON THAT BASS

1/31/00, San Jose, CA - Alan, ex-bassist of punk band Your Mother, was recently seen laying some serious thumb on his customized Yamaha bass.

According to residents in his normally quiet East Downtown San Jose neighborhood, some "serious thumbing" has been heard coming from his house, along with a lot of slapping and popping as well. Sources tell us now that punk band Your Mother has dissolved, of which Alan was a key member, he has been free to concentrate his efforts on other musical projects, including the "thrash-funk" influenced outfit Ferberger (or FRBRGR for short). "Thrash-funk", a musical genre popularized in the late 1980s, can be very demanding on a bass player's thumb and fingers, often leaving extremely painful blisters in key spots.

According to Alan's thumb, the callous build-up has been right on schedule, and while the thumb itself has only experienced minor blistering, his index and middle fingers both have been sore and swollen for the past two weeks. Alan's thumb says "After about a month of serious slapping and popping, the blisters get completely enveloped in calluses, which make all fingers nearly impenetrable to the forces of funk".

The two blistered fingers could not be reached for comment.

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ALEX INTIMIDATED, DRUNK

1/31/00, Sunnyvale, CA - Alex, ex-cheerleader of punk band Your Mother, found himself both intimidated and drunk yesterday afternoon during a rainy-day skateboarding session at "The Wave" in Sunnyvale.

Alex joined Alan, ex-bassist of punk band Your Mother and Mikey, ex-guitarist of punk band Your Mother, for an afternoon "skate jam" at one of Alan's favorite spots, "The Wave", located under the Mathilda Avenue overpass. While "The Wave" is usually ignored by today's skateboarders, it was once known as Sunnyvale's most legendary skate spot, thanks in part to its large open area and ~30 foot high rolling bank.

Alan and Mikey assumed it would be a safe place to take the inexperienced and drunk Alex, who is easily intimidated by better skateboarders whom he does not know. About fifteen minutes after Alex, Mikey and Alan arrived, three more experienced skateboarders showed up, even bringing their own "ollie box" on which extra tricks could be performed. At this point Alex, who was still quite drunk after consuming half a bottle of 100 proof Apricot Brandy on a whim, stopped attempting to ride his skateboard, instead choosing to stand around awkwardly and watch.

The three experienced skateboarders could not be reached for comment.

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MIKEY'S ROOMMATE RUMORED TO KNOW ACTOR DON JOHNSON

1/31/00, Castro Valley, CA - Vince, roommate of Mikey, ex-guitarist of Your Mother, is rumored to know and possibly even be friends with actor Don Johnson. It is unclear where Vince, sales manager at the Guitar Center's lucrative San Francisco location, may have met actor Don Johnson, but according to Mikey, Vince "definitely claims to know [Don Johnson]".

According to Mikey, Vince may have met him through his job at the Guitar Center, where he is not only Sales Manager but also head of Artist Relations. While mostly known for his acting work, Mr. Johnson is also a musician. His last album was 1986's Heartbeat, which was shunned by critics but loved by Don Johnson fans worldwide.

Vince is also rumored to have befriended musician Taj Mahal after selling him a DAT recorder from the Guitar Center.

Neither Vince, Don Johnson or Taj Mahal could be reached for comment.

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ALEX CONSUMES LAST OF JOSH'S APRICOT BRANDY ON WHIM

1/31/00, San Jose, CA - Citing a mood of carefree abandon, Alex, ex-cheerleader of punk band Your Mother, downed the remainder of a bottle of 100 proof Apricot brandy, left at Alan's house by Josh on New Year's Eve. Alan, ex-bassist of punk band Your Mother, sparked the idea after the brandy in question was brought to his attention by Alex, who claimed Josh wanted it back.

At first, Alex was hesitant, citing, "I have to go to work later." His apprehension was soon put to rest by Alan's fervent encouragement.

Mikey Porter, ex-guitarist for punk band Your Mother was expected to show up, "At any minute now", prompting the need to find things to do in the meantime.

Josh could not be reached for comment.

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MIKEY DUMPED; FIGHTS END TABLE

1/30/00, Castro Valley, CA - Mikey, ex-guitarist of punk band Your Mother, recently fought an end table after being dumped by an unnamed female on what he called "their first date".

The end table could not be reached for comment, but is under suspicion of attacking Mikey's face in a completely unrelated incident earlier this month.

The female, who wished to remain anonymous for reputation's sake, proclaimed "I thought he was really cute, but I just didn't know how 'out there' he really was. I mean whoa!"

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MIKEY MAKES BLOODY MARY IN FRONT OF MOM

"We're out of V8", says Mikey

1/29/00, Castro Valley, CA - Mikey, ex-guitarist of punk band Your Mother, was recently spotted mixing a bloody mary in his mother's kitchen while she was making breakfast.

When asked about the incident, Mikey said "Hey mom, we're out of V8".

Mrs. Porter could not be reached for comment. In fact, many believe that Mrs. Porter in fact does not exist and is merely a figment of Mikey's imagination.

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MIKEY MEETS GIRL; ASS REVEALED, BACKFLIP ATTEMPTED

1/27/00, San Jose, CA - Mikey, ex-guitarist of punk band Your Mother, was recently approached by a member of the female sex. Fearing some sort of attraction and/or intimacy, Mikey's ass was revealed. For unknown purposes, several acrobatic stunts were attempted, including an unsuccessful backflip.

The unidentified female could not be reached for comment. Three weeks later, Mikey was heard uttering "do you think she likes me?"

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MIKEY AWAKENS WITH TWO BLACK EYES, END TABLE BLAMED

1/26/00, Castro Valley, CA - Mikey, ex-guitarist of punk band Your Mother, woke up today with two black eyes. When reached for comment, Mikey said end table next to bed was to blame.

The end table, strategically placed near Mikey's bed, holds an alarm clock, two empty Pabst Blue Ribbon cans and an empty container of tofutti cream cheese replacement. After the alleged incident, one of the two Pabst Blue Ribbon cans was found lying on the carpet.

The end table and the Pabst Blue Ribbon can could not be reached for comment. Coincidentally, Mikey's nose was also bruised, allegedly by the same end table.

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MIKEY SHARES HOUSING WITH MANAGER FROM GUITAR CENTER

1/25/00, Castro Valley, CA - Mikey, ex-guitarist of punk band Your Mother, recently took up residence with Vince, manager of the Guitar Center's lucrative San Francisco location. While Mikey has been concerned about the lack of responsibility involving housework, Vince's management skills have been noted as "top-notch" by his supervisors at the Guitar Center.

While Vince has promised Mikey great deals on just about any product the Guitar Center offers, Mikey has used this resource only to purchase three sets of Ernie Ball guitar strings and a DAT player for Joe, ex-singer for punk band Your Mother. Much talk has occurred regarding the planned purchase of several Green brand guitar amplifiers and speaker cabinets.

Vince, manager of the Guitar Center's San Francisco location, could not be reached for comment.

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MIKEY RECEIVES FORM LETTER FROM TONY ALVA

Top skateboarding "wishes him luck" and "thanks him for his interest"

1/24/00, Castro Valley, CA - Mikey, ex-guitarist of punk band Your Mother and skateboard enthusiast, received a form letter from legendary skateboarder Tony Alva. The letter was sent in response to Mikey's request for correspondence six months prior and included information on how to purchase Tony Alva-related merchandise.

When asked about his experience with Tony Alva, Mikey responded "He's only the greatest skater on the planet!" While [Tony Alva] did take his time in responding to Mikey's request, he was still "thoroughly stoked" and felt that his friends down at Guitar Center would think this was "hella cool".

Tony Alva could not be reached for comment.

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ACTIVITIES OF BRAD UNKNOWN; EMAIL RESTORED

1/23/00, Los Angeles, CA - Brad, ex-drummer of punk band Your Mother, definitely had his email and internet service restored this week, but his exact whereabouts and daily activities remain a mystery.

After moving to somewhere in the greater Los Angeles area January 10, 2000, Brad more or less cut off all regular contact with other ex-members of punk band Your Mother by canceling his email account. While a new email account (brad@mooseswamp.com) has been opened and regular internet access has been restored, his whereabouts and daily activities have largely been a mystery.

Alan, ex-bassist of punk band Your Mother, reported some minimal contact with Brad two days ago. His email conversation consisted of "Hi Brad, you eat dung. - Alan" "Alan - I sure do eat dung. Love, Brad."

Brad could not be reached for comment on his mysterious activities or rumored dung consumption.

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CRAIG ASSUMED LOST

1/22/00, Antarctica - Craig, ex-guitarist of punk band Your Mother, recently departed on a trip to Antarctica and has been assumed lost by other ex-members of punk band Your Mother. Craig's trip was expected to contain a plane ride to South America, a 2 day layover in Argentina and an 11 day boat ride to Antarctica and back.

When asked about Craig's alleged disappearance, Alex, ex-cheerleader of punk band Your Mother, replied "Well, I haven't seen the guy in a couple weeks, and shit, I'd totally be freaked if I went on a boat all the way to Antarctica". Alex reportedly said "I've totally heard of those boats hitting big chunks of ice and sinking. Didn't they make a movie like that or something?"

Other ex-members of punk band Your Mother could not be reached, apparently due to extreme drinking.

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MIKEY URGES NOVICE SHREDMEN

"Alameda [skate park]'s the place!" says Mikey

1/21/00, Pleasanton, CA - Mikey, ex-guitarist of punk band Your Mother and accomplished skateboarder, recently urged his novice skateboarding friends to join him at the Alameda skateboard park.

According to Alex, ex-cheerleader of the punk band Your Mother and self-proclaimed novice shredman, said he was both "excited" and "nervous" of the prospect of skateboarding at a real skatepark, instead of the parking lot behind Border's Books and Music in Pleasanton.

Alan, ex-bassist of punk band Your Mother, expressed similar emotions regarding the urging.

Mikey could not be reached for comment.

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JOE'S REQUEST FOR KEYBOARDS DENIED

1/20/00, San Jose, CA - Joe, ex-vocalist of punk band Your Mother, was recently denied assistance in recording keyboard tracks for his new musical project.

Alan, ex-bassist of punk band Your Mother, was asked by Joe to add his keyboarding skill to Joe's new musical endeavor, the Unit Breed. When asked why he refused, Alan replied "he called me at 10pm last night, expecting me to just rush over to his house right then!" "I'm a busy guy" says Alan, " and I don't have time to jaunt off unexpectedly whenever Joe calls."

According to Alan, he would "definitely" be interested in collaborating with Joe on future musical projects, but that the request came at a "really bad time".

When contacted about the incident, Joe responded "What? I can't hear you. Can you speak up a little?"

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CASTRO VALLEY RESIDENTS COMPLAIN OF MASSIVE RIFFAGE; MIKEY SUSPECTED

1/19/00, Castro Valley, CA - Residents of the normally quiet unincorporated area east of Oakland known as Castro Valley complained to police this week of "massive riffage" and "extreme shredding" coming from somewhere in the west Castro Valley neighborhood.

Mikey, ex-guitarist of punk band Your Mother and sole member of raging metal project SHREDMILL, is the main suspect in the case police are calling "The case of the really raging licks".

While Mikey has been known to exhibit "wild" and and occasionally "insane" riffs and licks, he usually reserves his massive riffage for sessions at the San Francisco location of the Guitar Center, where his roommate Vince works. According to Mikey, "I can go in there whenever I want and totally wail their guitars, and Vince never gets mad." Mikey continues "And he's the Manager, so if anyone else got pissed off they'd have to answer to Vince."

The case has not been solved, but since all members of metal bands Metallica and Testament moved out of Castro Valley years ago, Mikey has been left as the lone suspect.

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ALAN DRINKS LAST OF ORANGE JUICE; CLOSE TO 30 OUNCES CONSUMED

1/18/00, San Jose, CA - Early this morning Alan, ex-bassist of punk band Your Mother, was found polishing off the remaining half of a 64 ounce jug of Berkeley Farms orange juice. Several hours later Alan had a stomach ache and urinated regularly.

The orange juice was gained in a trade with the local milkman. Alan had a futon bed for sale, and the local milkman offered him two jugs of milk in exchange for the futon bed. "Make it orange juice and you've got a deal" said Alan, and the milkman even threw in a Chocolate Milk "Chug" a new beverage aimed at the younger, more extreme teenage market.

Left with 128 ounces of orange juice and a half gallon of chocolate flavored milk, Alan realized he'd have a lot of drinking ahead of him.

The milkman could not be reached for comment.

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