PO Box 623
Pleasanton, CA 94566
Bringing you up-to-date information on the activities, whereabouts,
habits and launchings of the ex-members of Your Mother.
First full-time position for 26 year old ex-vocalist
6/15/00, Cupertino, CA - After three years of unemployment and 26
years of not having a full-time job, Joe, ex-vocalist of punk band
Your Mother, was hired by Cupertino-based printing firm Linotext.
"It will be interesting to see how [Joe] copes with juggling his full-time
rocker position AND his new full-time film output technician position."
Said Alan, ex-bassist of punk band Your Mother. "Plus it will be weird
because he won't have to borrow all of my money anymore."
MIKEY ON THIRD BEER
"How many did you have, like one?", asks Mikey 6/1/00, Castro Valley,
CA - Mikey, ex-guitarist of punk band Your Mother, recently pounded
three Pabst Blue Ribbon brand beers within 7 minutes, after a long
day of watching wrestling.
Mikey was joined by Alex, ex-cheerleader of punk band Your Mother,
for the early evening beer bust. However, Alex could not keep up with
Mikey's rapid beer consumption and was ridiculed throughout the night.
"My doctor doesn't know what the fuck this is" says Craig
5/1/00, Pleasanton, CA - Just mere days away from Chu Chi Nut Nut's
premiere performance, Craig, ex-guitarist of punk band Your Mother
and guitarist of new band Chu Chi Nut Nut, has fallen ill with an
While his doctor is not sure what caused his sudden illness, many
Pleasanton residents feel it may be a case of Strep Throat, which
has been running rampant in the normally-quiet Bay Area suburb.
According to resident and Craig's co-worker Pete Wagner "[Craig] has
all the same symptoms I had last week when I was diagnosed with Strep.
The week before that my girlfriend had it, so I guess its going around."
First to break in long-running Hair War
4/19/00, San Jose, CA - Joe, ex-vocalist of punk band Your Mother,
cut his hair today. Joe had joined in a "Hair War" or "Hair Race"
contest with Alan, ex-bassist of punk band Your Mother, Craig, ex-guitarist
of punk band Your Mother, Mikey, ex-guitarist of punk band Your Mother
and Alex, ex-cheerleader of punk band Your Mother. The contest started
sometime in the summer of 1999, and has no set end point.
Joe was the first contestant to be driven insane by his long hair.
While he is not officially out of the contest, which has no actual
rules, many insiders believe he has severly damaged any chance of
winning the amazing yet-to-be-determined prize that will be bestowed
upon the winner.
Contrary to popular belief, the "Hair Race" is not only about length,
but also style. Many agree that Mikey's curly flowing long hair is
a shoo-in to take first place, especially with Joe out of the way,
but Craig's "washed-up rocker look" is definitely closing in. Alan,
who took a handicap of two haircuts during the contest because of
his extremely fast growing hair, definitely is winning the "most unkempt"
section of the Race as we speak.
Joe's broken locks could not be reached for comment.
ALAN SEES ROOMMATE
4/18/00, San Jose, CA - Alan, ex-bassist of punk band Your Mother,
saw his roommate Rick at home for the first time in two weeks today.
Rick, whose girlfriend who lives in San Francisco, usually comes home
2-3 times a week at least. Rick's whereabouts were unknown for about
a week until last Thursday, when Alan saw Rick at local San Jose bar
the Caravan. They chatted briefly and Rick mentioned that "[he'd]
see Alan back at their house later in the night." Rick never showed,
leading Alan to think "hey, its nice and quiet around here."
CRAIG BUYS FREESTYLE WALKING SHOES
"What a dork" says Mikey
4/10/00, Pleasanton, CA - Craig, ex-guitarist of punk band Your Mother,
purchased way nerdy "freestyle walking" shoes today at Big 5 sporting
goods. "They were only $30, how could I pass that up?" remarked Craig,
after trying to "grind" a cement curb in San Jose.
Upon hearing of Craig's purchase, Mikey, ex-guitarist of punk band
Your Mother, exclaimed "What a dork."
Freestyle Walking is a talentless sport that is even lower than Rollerblading
on the hip sport scale.
ALAN CRAPS PANTS
4/9/00, San Jose, CA - Alan, ex-bassist of punk band Your Mother,
crapped his pants today while riding his new longboard down a steep
hill in the Almaden area of San Jose.
Alan has owned the longboard for close to a month, but this is the
first time he had a chance to try it out on a steep downhill grade.
The board, which is four feet long and is equipped with 70mm wheels,
was made with fast downhill rides in mind, yet Alan still had trouble
on the quarter-mile hill he and Joe, ex-vocalist of punk band Your
Mother, were skating down.
The first 300 feet of the hill were fine, but according to Alan, "after
that all hell broke loose." The heavy board picked up momentum much
faster than the normal skateboards Alan is used to, and after rounding
the first turn he became frightened, jumped off the board and crapped
his pants while trying to suddenly stop while running.
"An object in motion tends to stay in motion" said Alan, who's father
holds a physics degree from the Massachusetts Institute of Technology.
"And when I tried to break the laws of science by jumping off the
speeding board and expecting to come to a screeching halt, my body
said 'nu-uh, no way' and proceeded to fling crap out of my ass in
Alan's father could not be reached for comment.
CHU-CHI NUT NUT ANNOUNCES THIRD CONSECUTIVE TOUR
4/9/00, San Jose, CA - Chu-Chi Nut Nut and the Pine Cone Express announced
plans today for a third consecutive Sunday afternoon tour during today's
The final itinerary of the April 16th, 2000 tour has not been announced,
but reliable sources have confirmed that it may include stops at Joe's
house, La Victoria Taqueria and multiple skateboarding spots. Members
of the band neither confirmed or denied these rumors, with Doany,
bassist of Chu-Chi Nut Nut and the Pine Cone Express stating only
"I hope everyone shows up this time, I'm gonna be pissed if they flake
Joe, drummer of Chu-Chi Nut Nut and the Pine Cone Express and ex-vocalist
of punk band Your Mother, replied "Hey, I'm always here, besides,
I have the van."
This afternoon's tour included stops at Joe's house for practice and
recording, Falafel Drive-In for lunch, and Guitar Center for making
fun of wankers and purchasing a reel for Joe's recording studio. Today's
tour marked a pivotal point in the band's history as their van was
aptly renamed from "Black Lightning" to "Brown Thunder".
Chu-Chi Nut Nut and the Pine Cone Express consists of several ex-members
of punk band Your Mother and Doany, drummer of the legendary East
Bay Funk band Ferberger. While no live performances have been scheduled,
the band does plan to meet the public eye within a few months.
ALAN DECLARES SKATEBOARD SUMMER
4/9/00, San Jose, CA - Summer 2000 has officially been declared "Skateboard
Summer" by Alan, ex-bassist of punk band Your Mother.
The tradition of naming each summer started in 1996 with the declaration
of Omelet Summer. During Omelet Summer Alan gained over 10 pounds,
which he has yet to lose. Each summer since has had an official title,
including 1998's Pancake Summer and 1999's Hashbrown Summer.
Skateboard Summer is significant in that it is the first time the
summer has not been named after a breakfast food item. According to
Alan, "The years of breakfast summers were taking a toll on my body,
spirit and mind. Its a new millennium, and time for a new outlook
To celebrate Skateboard Summer, Alan has vowed to skateboard to work
everyday and spend Sunday afternoons skateboarding with friends. Saturdays
are reserved for remembering past summers.
ALAN DOES LAUNDRY
4/9/00, San Jose, CA - Holy shit!
CHU-CHI NUT NUT PRACTICE CANCELED WITH NO NOTICE
4/4/00, San Jose, CA - After several days of hype and phone calls,
Chu-Chi Nut Nut and the Pine Cone Express practice was canceled at
the last minute because only one member showed up.
Chu-Chi Nut Nut and the Pine Cone Express, a new band comprised of
ex-members of punk band Your Mother, and Doany, drummer of legendary
East Bay funk band Ferberger, has had little luck scheduling regular
practices. The band has been together ever since Your Mother officially
disbanded in January 2000, but has only had about 5 actual practices
due to the extreme flakiness and blatant disregard for schedules that
plagued Your Mother's 10 year stint.
Tonight's scheduled practice was supposed to be a turning point in
Chu-Chi Nut Nut's turbulent career, as it would have been the first
time two practices had been completed without some sort of cancellation.
Doany, bassist of Chu-Chi Nut Nut and the Pine Cone Express, was the
first to show up for practice at Joe's house, which was scheduled
for 8pm. Alex, singer of Chu-Chi Nut Nut and the Pine Cone Express
and ex-cheerleader of punk band Your Mother, was "at school." Alan,
guitarist of Chu-Chi Nut Nut and the Pine Cone Express and ex-bassist
of punk band Your Mother, "had the flu" and was "hanging out with
his girlfriend, who also had the flu". Craig, guitarist of Chu-Chi
Nut Nut and the Pine Cone Express and ex-guitarist of punk band Your
Mother, "couldn't make it." Joe, drummer of Chu-Chi Nut Nut and the
Pine Cone Express and ex-vocalist of punk band Your Mother, had to
"go 'shopping' for some 'stuff'".
Doany, who had joined the band 3 days prior, was not amused, especially
since he lives 50 miles away from the practice space.
MIKEY MISSES WRESTLEMANIA 2000
4/2/00, Castro Valley, CA - Mikey, ex-guitarist of punk band Your
Mother, missed the much-hyped wrestling event Wrestlemania 2000
today, even after paying $50 for the pay-per-view broadcast.
"I could have sworn it was on at 8, not 3!" claimed Mikey, who proceeded
to beat the crap out of his end table in frustration.
CRAIG WITNESSES ALAN RAILSLIDING
"How does he do that?!" Asks ex-guitarist.
4/2/00, San Jose, CA - Craig, ex-guitarist of punk band Your Mother,
witnessed Alan, ex-bassist of punk band Your Mother, perform several
railslide maneuvers at the legendary Little Orchard skate spot in
San Jose today.
According to Craig, he had "never seen anything like it" since Alan
had vowed never to perform another railslide more than a year before
he met Craig and Craig's dad in the pit of an Exodus concert in 1990.
In related news, during a visit to the punkest house in San Jose,
Craig was cajoled by friends Alan and Joe, ex-vocalist of punk band
Your Mother, into "dropping in" on the punkest "half-pipe" ramp in
San Jose. Amazingly, he escaped unscathed.
None of the punks could be reached for comment, as they were all busy
playing softball at the time.
WASTED, BREAKS ANKLE
Pool table named main culprit
3/30/00, Pleasanton, CA - In the midst of a night of "moderate" partying,
Alex, ex-cheerleader of punk band Your Mother, somehow passed out
while standing up and broke his ankle.
According to witnesses, Alex was "kinda" wasted, and collapsed while
standing next to the Trepell family pool table. When he was woken
up by friends, he felt a sharp pain in his leg and noticed that he
had a pool ball stuck to the back of his head.
Alex feels that he definitely wasn't wasn't "wasted enough to just
fall over" and that there must have been someone with an ulterior
motive. Right now the pool table is the main culprit, along with "whatever
the heck he must have been smoking that night".
Neither the pool table or whatever the heck he must have been smoking
that night could be reached for comment.
ALAN REMEMBERS HOW TO RAILSLIDE
3/26/00, San Jose, CA - Alan, ex-bassist of punk band Your Mother,
remembered how to railslide today, more than ten years after vowing
never to attempt the risky skateboard maneuver.
Alan was well-known as the railslide king of Livermore, CA until a
deadly match-up with a plastic pipe left him mortally wounded in 1989.
After much encouragement by Joe, ex-vocalist of punk band Your Mother,
Alan finally got enough courage to break his solemn promise and railslide
at legendary San Jose skate spot Little Orchard.
"I feel good that I have gone against my morals once again" said Alan,
who is well-known for failing to live up to his own aspirations and
MIKEY MEETS GIRLS; EATS PLANT
3/20/00, San Jose, CA - A night of heaving drinking and mingling was
topped off by Mikey, ex-guitarist of punk band Your Mother, consuming
a large green houseplant, leaf by leaf.
Mikey, well known for acting foolish in front of females in hopes
of impressing them/driving them away so he can wallow in self-pity
forever, topped himself tonight by not only eating a much-loved houseplant,
but also urinating on neighborhood vehicles.
Mikey's usual routine around females involves pulling down his pants,
falling on his back and passing out. According to Joe, ex-singer of
punk band Your Mother, "no one is sure why he broke from the well-defined
pattern, its worked so well repelling and attracting girls at the
same time. I just don't get it, why would he change now?"
The houseplant could not be reached for comment.
ALAN FORGETS ABOUT EROTIC TOOTHBRUSH CONCERT
Ex-bassist plays air hockey instead; loses.
3/19/00, San Jose, CA - Alan, ex-bassist of punk band Your Mother,
missed local band Erotic Toothbrush's Campbell performance this week
after promising friend Yonathon that he would go.
Alan ended up at Golfland in Sunnyvale, where he played Air Hockey,
Medieval Madness and Hydro Thunder. Alan apparently did not miss much,
legendary San Jose band Erotic Toothbrush (of which Alan was once
a member, back when they were known as 'Ironic Toothbrush') was not
allowed to perform their 7-minute set because some lame dumbasses
messed everything up, like always.
The lame dumbasses could not be reached for comment.
MIKEY CONDUCTS SURVEY: "WHAT THE FUCK?"
3/18/00, Oakland, CA - A recent survey by Mikey, ex-guitarist of punk
band Your Mother, resulted in almost unanimous replies of "huh?" by
Mikey polled about 1/3rd of the 40 workers employed at his work with
one question: "What the Fuck?"
There were only two dissenting opinions in the bunch. Spike and Snot,
ex-members of Berkeley punk band Shitfuck, replied with "stick it
up your ass, dickwad."
Neither Spike nor Snot could be reached for comment, as both were
in the process of OD'ing on cheap heroin.
3/17/00, San Jose, CA - Joe, ex-vocalist of punk band Your Mother,
has been unemployed for nearly three years, and has never held a full-time
job. The 26 year old artist and musician recently confided with good
friend Alan, ex-bassist of punk band Your Mother, that he "really
needed to get a job one of these days."
3 INJURED IN EXTREME BRODEO
3/4/00, San Jose, CA - Three San Jose residents were brutally injured
after watching a Jet Li film with third degree black belt and political
science student Al Ruel.
Al, who was in town on spring break to "drink some brewskies and eat
some donuts" was filled with adrenaline and rage after an hour and
a half of nonstop kung fu action.
Those injured by Al's flying karate chops included Joe, ex-singer
of punk band Your Mother, and Alan (no relation to Al), ex-bassist
of punk band Your Mother.
Al may be better known as ex-drummer of legendary Sunnyvale punk band
Mystery Machine, but he is also famous for taming the "Wild Turkey"
and wearing X's on his hands until he turned 21.
Jet Li could not be reached for comment.
2/26/00, Castro Valley, CA - Mikey, ex-guitarist of punk band, Your
Mother, is going to kill Joe, ex-vocalist of punk band, Your Mother.
According to sources, Mikey became infuriated this morning after being
informed by Alan, ex-bass player of punk band Your Mother, that Joe
had "gone to see the Drunk Injuns" but had not said when or where
they were playing.
The Drunk Injuns were a legendary skate-rock band from San Jose who
have not performed together in 15 years and, according to Mikey, "totally
rule" and are "like one of [his] all time faves."
Details surrounding the impending homicide are still unclear but several
threatening messages have been left on Joe's answering machine by
Neither Joe or the Drunk Injuns could be reached for comment.
BRAD STEPS OUT OF HIDING FOR A MOMENT
2/22/00, Azusa, CA - Brad, ex-drummer of punk band Your Mother, briefly
contacted the other ex-members of punk band Your Mother this evening.
For some, this had been the first sight of the reclusive Brad, who
spends his days sitting on the couch watching soap operas while his
girlfriend goes to school and works full time to pay rent.
The contact came through a 5-word email that said "So what about the
inserts?" This was in response to another email (subject: covers)
that Alan, ex-bassist of punk band Your Mother, had sent out the day
before. Alan's message mentioned that the covers for the long-delayed
"Weird ALbum" had been shipped from the printers that afternoon.
Further contact with Brad is expected in the coming months.
ALAN PLAYS 'THE SIMS' FOR 30 HOURS STRAIGHT
2/22/00, San Jose, CA - Alan, ex-bassist of punk band Your Mother,
set a record today by playing a popular new computer game for more
than 30 hours in a row.
Sims is a people simulation game, taking the concepts of Sim City
to a microscopic level - the neighborhood. Alan has several houses
in the neighborhood that he controls, although the past 30 hours was
spent mainly with one character, Oochie Poochie.
Mr. Poochie is an astronaut about to be the first man to set foot
on the Planet Mars. He recently married a woman named Chris, who is
a whitewater rafting instructor and a darn fine dancer. For fun the
two often play chess or pinball. They recently purchased an outdoor
hot tub for when their friends come over, such as Vance Schwepp, the
uncharismatic waiter hoping to break into showbiz.
Mr. Schwepp lives with his confidant Portrero Schwepp. The two have
a daughter, Bariella, who was born out of suspicious circumstances.
The Schwepps could not be reached for comment.
DANGEROUS DOO DOO LEAVES BIG STAIN
2/21/00, Doodoosplat, PP- In a good dong, balls serious denied booty.
"I do say big dong dong," do willy num nums booster. "Pooty floo head.
Despite glory bastings and pretty dumdoos, ipsum blickum and fluffy
jujus slerve blung. Pee pee slide under foothole. Ninewich also.
Logbiter and shoo shoo could be donged for ca ca.
JOE AND ALAN CLASH OVER BELTS; ALAN WINS
2/20/00, San Jose, CA - After a bitter week-long argument regarding
how many belts are used in a car, Alan, ex-bassist of punk band Your
Mother, won the battle by actually looking under his hood and counting
three. Joe, ex-vocalist of punk band Your Mother, swore that cars
only have one belt.
The discussion started after Alan asked Joe if he had any idea why
his 1989 Mazda MX-6 was making a strange squeaking sound while accelerating.
Joe responded "it must be your belt." Where the conversation went
from there is unclear, but it was stated by Alan that he was "pretty
sure" his car had three belts, while Joe was adamant that cars only
have one belt.
Alan, who had spent several years working at a service station in
Livermore, CA, felt threatened by this accusation but decided that
Joe, who has owned several vehicles often in need of dire repair,
had more experience with engines and ultimately might have the correct
After actually looking under his hood and finding three separate belts,
one of which was rather loose, Alan looked in his owner's manual and
confirmed that there are not one but THREE belts used by the engine.
It was also noted that the deluxe version of the MX-6 has FOUR belts,
the extra one used for air conditioning.
FERBERGER PRACTICE CANCELED; SKATE SESSION EXTENDED
2/20/00, Sunnyvale, CA - Today's skateboarding session was extended
after word that Ferberger (FRBRGR for short) practice was canceled
for the umpteenth time.
Ferberger, the Bay Area's premiere thrash-funk band, has gotten off
to a rocky beginning due to scheduling problems with the band's members
who are scattered between Berkeley, Pleasanton and San Jose. The six
piece band includes among others Alan, ex-bassist of punk band Your
Mother and Alex, ex-cheerleader of punk band Your Mother along with
Doany, ex-drummer of ska band Janitors Against Apartheid.
The skateboarding session, originally scheduled for 10 am Sunday was
moved back two hours and took place mainly at The Wave, Sunnyvale's
premiere skateboarding spot.
CRAIG FORCED TO DRIVE
2/20/00, San Jose, CA - Craig, ex-guitarist of punk band Your Mother,
was forced to drive to the Wave today despite many protests.
Craig is well-known for his dislike of driving, and has used such
excuses as "I don't have the money for gas" and "I drove out to San
Francisco last night" to get out of driving duty.
He replied with today's forced driving with both a grimace and a raised
shoulders 'what can I do?' look, but drove anyway. No further complaints
JOE SLEEPS UNTIL FOUR
2/20/00, San Jose, CA - Joe, ex-vocalist for punk band Your Mother,
set a record today by sleeping until 4 PM, effectively missing his
Joe has been known to sleep in late before, but usually his girlfriend
will wake him up by 2 PM with breakfast. With her out of town this
weekend, Joe had an all-morning sleeping party with nothing to ruin
Alex, ex-cheerleader of punk band Your Mother exclaimed "I've seen
him go to three, but I'd never thought he'd break that barrier. Shit!
He stay up for like days in a row. That can't be good for you."
MIKEY CLAIMS "YOU SUCK!"
2/19/00, San Jose, CA - In an impromptu speech this afternoon, Mikey,
ex-guitarist of punk band Your Mother, made it known that you suck.
It was not determined who "you" referred to. When questioned Mikey
replied "balls" and ran down the street.
JOE MAKES PLANS; FORGETS
2/15/00, San Jose, CA - Joe, ex-vocalist of punk band Your Mother,
apparently made plans today and forgot all about them.
According to people close to Joe, this is not an uncommon series of
events. Alan, ex-bassist of punk band Your Mother, made plans with
Joe last weekend to go skateboarding at 10am, but Joe "didn't show
up until almost 3pm" after repeated phone calls. Joe had been busy
forgetting about the plans he had made with other people that day,
including Craig, ex-guitarist of punk band Your Mother, who had expected
to meet Joe at noon to finish recording some vocal tracks on six new
Your Mother songs that were recorded before the big break-up.
Craig sat outside Joe's house until 1pm, when he left for Alan's house,
about two miles away. While he was en route Joe was busy forgetting
about plans he had made with his girlfriend to go out to breakfast,
and instead he went to take pictures of a house for a painting he
was working on.
Joe could not be reached for comment, he forgot that we had set up
an interview time.
MIKEY EMPLOYS WORD "BALLS" REPEATEDLY FOR COMIC EFFECT
2/14/00, Castro Valley, CA - During a 10-minute surge of humor and
jokes Mikey, ex-guitarist of punk band Your Mother, used the word
"balls" at least 25 times in an effort to make his roommates laugh.
According to Vince, Mikey's roommate and Sales Manager at the Guitar
Center's San Francisco location, He also used such words as "ass",
"cobra" and "fulcrum" repeatedly for humor's sake. Vince found the
combination of "ass cobra" quite funny, but the repeated utterance
of "balls balls balls" made him wonder if he had made the wrong choice
in allowing Mikey to move into his house.
2/18/00, Castro Valley, CA - Balls, Balls, Balls, Balls, Balls, Balls,
Balls, Balls, Balls, Balls, Balls, Balls.
MIKEY MENTIONS TONY ALVA AT BREAKFAST
2/13/00, Campbell, CA - While dining at the Campbell location of Hobee's
restaurants this morning, Mikey, ex-guitarist of punk band Your Mother,
made sure to mention his favorite skateboarder, Tony Alva. Most of
the fourteen people at his table were unimpressed. Flustered at the
lack of respect, Mikey quickly pointed out "he's only the greatest
skateboarder who ever lived!"
A few weeks earlier Mikey received a form letter from Tony Alva, thanking
him for his interest. It also mentioned the address of Tony Alva's
new website, tonyalva.com,
which features news on new Alva products and downloadable video segments
of Tony Alva in action. Tony Alva could not be reached for comment.
ALEX INSISTS HE SCORED GOAL DESPITE OBVIOUS ASSIST
2/12/00, San Jose, CA - During a rousing game of soccer this afternoon,
Alex, ex-cheerleader of punk band Your Mother, cheered triumphantly
after his team (red hats) scored a second goal against their arch
rivals (blue hats).
Alex, who has never excelled at sports or anything remotely athletic,
was quick to point out that he scored the crucial goal, even though
everyone knew that Moez, roommate of Joe, ex-vocalist of punk band
Your Mother, actually scored the goal. Alex did help get the ball
near the goal but it was Moez, captain of the Blue Hat team, who kicked
the ball in the goal while attempting to block it.
Moez on the other hand, adamantly exclaimed that he didn't kick it
in at all, and attempted to prove that no goal had been made at all.
His claims were quickly tossed aside by members of both teams.
The final score of the game was 1-3 Red Hats.
2/12/00, San Jose, CA - During a rousing and dirty game of soccer
this afternoon, Alan, ex-bassist of punk band Your Mother, was fully
muddied after falling in several mud puddles on the soccer field.
2/12/00, San Jose, CA - During a rousing and dirty game of soccer
this afternoon, Alex, ex-cheerleader of punk band Your Mother, was
fully muddied after falling in several mud puddles on the soccer field.
2/12/00, San Jose, CA - During a rousing and dirty game of soccer
this afternoon, Joe, ex-vocalist of punk band Your Mother, was fully
muddied after falling in several mud puddles on the soccer field.
CRAIG AND MIKEY LATE; NOT MUDDIED
2/12/00, San Jose, CA - Craig and Mikey, ex-guitarists of punk band
Your Mother, both of whom had planned on attending a soccer game today
that had been planned for several weeks, arrived late and could not
participate in the game.
Craig arrived in time to see the 20-odd participants walk back to
to Joe's house, shivering, cold and muddy. Joe, ex-vocalist of punk
band Your Mother, was one of the participants in the game, and was
quite muddy. Craig on the other hand, looked showered, clean and bearded.
Mikey arrived several hours later, blaming a mysterious force he called
MIKEY BREAKS MOLAR, ASKS ALAN TO SKATE ON SUNDAY
2/2/00, Castro Valley, CA - Mikey, ex-guitarist of punk band Your
Mother, reportedly broke one of his rear molars today, moments before
emailing Alan, ex-bassist of punk band Your Mother, to see if he was
interested in skateboarding on Sunday.
It is unclear at this time whether the molar, which has assisted Mikey
with such foods as lettuce, spinach and burritos, was fully shattered,
busted in half or merely chipped. One thing is for sure though - Mikey
is definitely interested in skateboarding on Sunday.
While Alan felt sorrow for Mikey's tooth, he was excited about the
prospect of skateboarding with Mikey on Sunday. He had reportedly
made loose plans to skateboard with Craig, ex-guitarist of punk band
Your Mother, on Sunday as well, so it would be a fun time for the
three of them to get together.
Mikey's molar could not be reached for comment.
MIKEY SCALDED BY HOT WATER; MOM LAUGHS, END TABLE SNICKERS
2/2/00, Castro Valley, CA - Mikey, ex-guitarist of punk band Your
Mother, was mildly scalded after his mom, Mrs. Porter, threw extremely
hot water at him. As he winced and screamed in pain, Mrs. Porter laughed,
and his end table, already suspect in a previous black eye incident,
could be heard snickering in the other room
According to Mikey, his mom laughed because of his humorous and slightly
maniacal scream, best described as a whooping "Yeeeeowwwwww!!!!" by
As it is quite unusual for a mother to laugh at her own son's misfortune,
this situation has brought even more doubt to the minds of the other
ex-members of Your Mother as to whether or not Mrs. Porter actually
exists. "I hear all these crazy stories", said Alan, ex-bassist of
punk band Your Mother, " but when it comes right down to it, I've
known Mikey for 8 years and not once seen his mom". Many theorize
that Mrs. Porter is a figment of Mikey's overactive imagination, which
has also reportedly created characters such as "Mikey's other older
brother, not the ex-roadie of heavy metal band Testament, whom we
all know exists".
The end table and Mikey's make-believe relatives could not be reached
CRAIG RETURNS FROM ANTARCTICA, APPARENTLY NOT LOST AFTER ALL
2/1/00, Pleasanton, CA - Craig, ex-guitarist of punk band Your Mother,
whom the other ex-members of Your Mother had assumed was lost and/or
dead, returned home safely from his 2-week jaunt to Antarctica this
According to Craig, the trip was "fun" but he would not elaborate
further. Alan, ex-bassist of punk band Your Mother, thought he was
"totally dead or something since I hadn't heard from him in a couple
Antarctica could not be reached for comment.
LAYS SOME SERIOUS THUMB ON THAT BASS
1/31/00, San Jose, CA - Alan, ex-bassist of punk band Your Mother,
was recently seen laying some serious thumb on his customized Yamaha
According to residents in his normally quiet East Downtown San Jose
neighborhood, some "serious thumbing" has been heard coming from his
house, along with a lot of slapping and popping as well. Sources tell
us now that punk band Your Mother has dissolved, of which Alan was
a key member, he has been free to concentrate his efforts on other
musical projects, including the "thrash-funk" influenced outfit Ferberger
(or FRBRGR for short). "Thrash-funk", a musical genre popularized
in the late 1980s, can be very demanding on a bass player's thumb
and fingers, often leaving extremely painful blisters in key spots.
According to Alan's thumb, the callous build-up has been right on
schedule, and while the thumb itself has only experienced minor blistering,
his index and middle fingers both have been sore and swollen for the
past two weeks. Alan's thumb says "After about a month of serious
slapping and popping, the blisters get completely enveloped in calluses,
which make all fingers nearly impenetrable to the forces of funk".
The two blistered fingers could not be reached for comment.
ALEX INTIMIDATED, DRUNK
1/31/00, Sunnyvale, CA - Alex, ex-cheerleader of punk band Your Mother,
found himself both intimidated and drunk yesterday afternoon during
a rainy-day skateboarding session at "The Wave" in Sunnyvale.
Alex joined Alan, ex-bassist of punk band Your Mother and Mikey, ex-guitarist
of punk band Your Mother, for an afternoon "skate jam" at one of Alan's
favorite spots, "The Wave", located under the Mathilda Avenue overpass.
While "The Wave" is usually ignored by today's skateboarders, it was
once known as Sunnyvale's most legendary skate spot, thanks in part
to its large open area and ~30 foot high rolling bank.
Alan and Mikey assumed it would be a safe place to take the inexperienced
and drunk Alex, who is easily intimidated by better skateboarders
whom he does not know. About fifteen minutes after Alex, Mikey and
Alan arrived, three more experienced skateboarders showed up, even
bringing their own "ollie box" on which extra tricks could be performed.
At this point Alex, who was still quite drunk after consuming half
a bottle of 100 proof Apricot Brandy on a whim, stopped attempting
to ride his skateboard, instead choosing to stand around awkwardly
The three experienced skateboarders could not be reached for comment.
MIKEY'S ROOMMATE RUMORED TO KNOW ACTOR DON JOHNSON
1/31/00, Castro Valley, CA - Vince, roommate of Mikey, ex-guitarist
of Your Mother, is rumored to know and possibly even be friends with
actor Don Johnson. It is unclear where Vince, sales manager at the
Guitar Center's lucrative San Francisco location, may have met actor
Don Johnson, but according to Mikey, Vince "definitely claims to know
According to Mikey, Vince may have met him through his job at the
Guitar Center, where he is not only Sales Manager but also head of
Artist Relations. While mostly known for his acting work, Mr. Johnson
is also a musician. His last album was 1986's Heartbeat, which
was shunned by critics but loved by Don Johnson fans worldwide.
Vince is also rumored to have befriended musician Taj Mahal after
selling him a DAT recorder from the Guitar Center.
Neither Vince, Don Johnson or Taj Mahal could be reached for comment.
ALEX CONSUMES LAST OF JOSH'S APRICOT BRANDY ON WHIM
1/31/00, San Jose, CA - Citing a mood of carefree abandon, Alex, ex-cheerleader
of punk band Your Mother, downed the remainder of a bottle of 100
proof Apricot brandy, left at Alan's house by Josh on New Year's Eve.
Alan, ex-bassist of punk band Your Mother, sparked the idea after
the brandy in question was brought to his attention by Alex, who claimed
Josh wanted it back.
At first, Alex was hesitant, citing, "I have to go to work later."
His apprehension was soon put to rest by Alan's fervent encouragement.
Mikey Porter, ex-guitarist for punk band Your Mother was expected
to show up, "At any minute now", prompting the need to find things
to do in the meantime.
Josh could not be reached for comment.
MIKEY DUMPED; FIGHTS END TABLE
1/30/00, Castro Valley, CA - Mikey, ex-guitarist of punk band Your
Mother, recently fought an end table after being dumped by an unnamed
female on what he called "their first date".
The end table could not be reached for comment, but is under suspicion
of attacking Mikey's face in a completely unrelated incident earlier
The female, who wished to remain anonymous for reputation's sake,
proclaimed "I thought he was really cute, but I just didn't know how
'out there' he really was. I mean whoa!"
MIKEY MAKES BLOODY MARY IN FRONT OF MOM
"We're out of V8", says Mikey
1/29/00, Castro Valley, CA - Mikey, ex-guitarist of punk band Your
Mother, was recently spotted mixing a bloody mary in his mother's
kitchen while she was making breakfast.
When asked about the incident, Mikey said "Hey mom, we're out of V8".
Mrs. Porter could not be reached for comment. In fact, many believe
that Mrs. Porter in fact does not exist and is merely a figment of
MIKEY MEETS GIRL; ASS REVEALED, BACKFLIP ATTEMPTED
1/27/00, San Jose, CA - Mikey, ex-guitarist of punk band Your Mother,
was recently approached by a member of the female sex. Fearing some
sort of attraction and/or intimacy, Mikey's ass was revealed. For
unknown purposes, several acrobatic stunts were attempted, including
an unsuccessful backflip.
The unidentified female could not be reached for comment. Three weeks
later, Mikey was heard uttering "do you think she likes me?"
MIKEY AWAKENS WITH TWO BLACK EYES, END TABLE BLAMED
1/26/00, Castro Valley, CA - Mikey, ex-guitarist of punk band Your
Mother, woke up today with two black eyes. When reached for comment,
Mikey said end table next to bed was to blame.
The end table, strategically placed near Mikey's bed, holds an alarm
clock, two empty Pabst Blue Ribbon cans and an empty container of
tofutti cream cheese replacement. After the alleged incident, one
of the two Pabst Blue Ribbon cans was found lying on the carpet.
The end table and the Pabst Blue Ribbon can could not be reached for
comment. Coincidentally, Mikey's nose was also bruised, allegedly
by the same end table.
MIKEY SHARES HOUSING WITH MANAGER FROM GUITAR CENTER
1/25/00, Castro Valley, CA - Mikey, ex-guitarist of punk band Your
Mother, recently took up residence with Vince, manager of the Guitar
Center's lucrative San Francisco location. While Mikey has been concerned
about the lack of responsibility involving housework, Vince's management
skills have been noted as "top-notch" by his supervisors at the Guitar
While Vince has promised Mikey great deals on just about any product
the Guitar Center offers, Mikey has used this resource only to purchase
three sets of Ernie Ball guitar strings and a DAT player for Joe,
ex-singer for punk band Your Mother. Much talk has occurred regarding
the planned purchase of several Green brand guitar amplifiers and
Vince, manager of the Guitar Center's San Francisco location, could
not be reached for comment.
MIKEY RECEIVES FORM LETTER FROM TONY ALVA
Top skateboarding "wishes him luck" and "thanks him for his interest"
1/24/00, Castro Valley, CA - Mikey, ex-guitarist of punk band Your
Mother and skateboard enthusiast, received a form letter from legendary
skateboarder Tony Alva. The letter was sent in response to Mikey's
request for correspondence six months prior and included information
on how to purchase Tony Alva-related merchandise.
When asked about his experience with Tony Alva, Mikey responded "He's
only the greatest skater on the planet!" While [Tony Alva] did take
his time in responding to Mikey's request, he was still "thoroughly
stoked" and felt that his friends down at Guitar Center would think
this was "hella cool".
Tony Alva could not be reached for comment.
ACTIVITIES OF BRAD UNKNOWN; EMAIL RESTORED
1/23/00, Los Angeles, CA - Brad, ex-drummer of punk band Your Mother,
definitely had his email and internet service restored this week,
but his exact whereabouts and daily activities remain a mystery.
After moving to somewhere in the greater Los Angeles area January
10, 2000, Brad more or less cut off all regular contact with other
ex-members of punk band Your Mother by canceling his email account.
While a new email account (email@example.com) has been opened and
regular internet access has been restored, his whereabouts and daily
activities have largely been a mystery.
Alan, ex-bassist of punk band Your Mother, reported some minimal contact
with Brad two days ago. His email conversation consisted of "Hi Brad,
you eat dung. - Alan" "Alan - I sure do eat dung. Love, Brad."
Brad could not be reached for comment on his mysterious activities
or rumored dung consumption.
CRAIG ASSUMED LOST
1/22/00, Antarctica - Craig, ex-guitarist of punk band Your Mother,
recently departed on a trip to Antarctica and has been assumed lost
by other ex-members of punk band Your Mother. Craig's trip was expected
to contain a plane ride to South America, a 2 day layover in Argentina
and an 11 day boat ride to Antarctica and back.
When asked about Craig's alleged disappearance, Alex, ex-cheerleader
of punk band Your Mother, replied "Well, I haven't seen the guy in
a couple weeks, and shit, I'd totally be freaked if I went on a boat
all the way to Antarctica". Alex reportedly said "I've totally heard
of those boats hitting big chunks of ice and sinking. Didn't they
make a movie like that or something?"
Other ex-members of punk band Your Mother could not be reached, apparently
due to extreme drinking.
MIKEY URGES NOVICE SHREDMEN
"Alameda [skate park]'s the place!" says Mikey
1/21/00, Pleasanton, CA - Mikey, ex-guitarist of punk band Your Mother
and accomplished skateboarder, recently urged his novice skateboarding
friends to join him at the Alameda skateboard park.
According to Alex, ex-cheerleader of the punk band Your Mother and
self-proclaimed novice shredman, said he was both "excited" and "nervous"
of the prospect of skateboarding at a real skatepark, instead of the
parking lot behind Border's Books and Music in Pleasanton.
Alan, ex-bassist of punk band Your Mother, expressed similar emotions
regarding the urging.
Mikey could not be reached for comment.
JOE'S REQUEST FOR KEYBOARDS DENIED
1/20/00, San Jose, CA - Joe, ex-vocalist of punk band Your Mother,
was recently denied assistance in recording keyboard tracks for his
new musical project.
Alan, ex-bassist of punk band Your Mother, was asked by Joe to add
his keyboarding skill to Joe's new musical endeavor, the Unit Breed.
When asked why he refused, Alan replied "he called me at 10pm last
night, expecting me to just rush over to his house right then!" "I'm
a busy guy" says Alan, " and I don't have time to jaunt off unexpectedly
whenever Joe calls."
According to Alan, he would "definitely" be interested in collaborating
with Joe on future musical projects, but that the request came at
a "really bad time".
When contacted about the incident, Joe responded "What? I can't hear
you. Can you speak up a little?"
CASTRO VALLEY RESIDENTS COMPLAIN OF MASSIVE RIFFAGE; MIKEY SUSPECTED
1/19/00, Castro Valley, CA - Residents of the normally quiet unincorporated
area east of Oakland known as Castro Valley complained to police this
week of "massive riffage" and "extreme shredding" coming from somewhere
in the west Castro Valley neighborhood.
Mikey, ex-guitarist of punk band Your Mother and sole member of raging
metal project SHREDMILL, is the main suspect in the case police are
calling "The case of the really raging licks".
While Mikey has been known to exhibit "wild" and and occasionally
"insane" riffs and licks, he usually reserves his massive riffage
for sessions at the San Francisco location of the Guitar Center, where
his roommate Vince works. According to Mikey, "I can go in there whenever
I want and totally wail their guitars, and Vince never gets mad."
Mikey continues "And he's the Manager, so if anyone else got pissed
off they'd have to answer to Vince."
The case has not been solved, but since all members of metal bands
Metallica and Testament moved out of Castro Valley years ago, Mikey
has been left as the lone suspect.
ALAN DRINKS LAST OF ORANGE JUICE; CLOSE TO 30 OUNCES CONSUMED
1/18/00, San Jose, CA - Early this morning Alan, ex-bassist of punk
band Your Mother, was found polishing off the remaining half of a
64 ounce jug of Berkeley Farms orange juice. Several hours later Alan
had a stomach ache and urinated regularly.
The orange juice was gained in a trade with the local milkman. Alan
had a futon bed for sale, and the local milkman offered him two jugs
of milk in exchange for the futon bed. "Make it orange juice and you've
got a deal" said Alan, and the milkman even threw in a Chocolate Milk
"Chug" a new beverage aimed at the younger, more extreme teenage market.
Left with 128 ounces of orange juice and a half gallon of chocolate
flavored milk, Alan realized he'd have a lot of drinking ahead of
The milkman could not be reached for comment.