Your Mother -- Assorted Lyrics

Another Probe 7 inch
I'm So Happy
While on the job I play Minesweeper, make long distance phone calls, and take even longer breaks. I run off tons of free copies, figure out my paychecks, "borrow" pens and staplers and clocks, and ask for time off. I like my job. My boss is cool. You'd never expect he's 50 and likes Dr. Know. That's just an obvious reason why I'm so happy. My girlfriend's hot and our apartment's cool. The rent's pretty low and it's got a pool. We've got a dog who rarely pees in our bed. 99% of the time my life is fucking rad. I get a lot of cool mail. I'm not fat, nor am I starving. Running water and plumbing often makes me forget I've got a hairy butt. I'm a few years away from going bald. I have got plenty of good friends. No, I couldn't tell you how much longer this is gonna last. I'm just gonna enjoy it while I can.

Too Fat For Love
Mr. Color TV
He's got no windshield wipers but he has lots of steering wheel lag. (Ain't stopping! This van ain't stopping!) His radiator's leaking and his loft's about to collapse. (Mechanic thinks it's funny 'cause we spending all our money.) He was a three-on-the-tree, Mr. Color TV. You know it ain't no ca-ca, we ain't getting no ta-ta in Mr. Color TV. You're no Grease Lightening when you're burning up a quart of oil. You're no Grease Lightening when you've got another broken axle. You catch on fire. Many flat tires. On Mr. Color TV. He's got some holes in the walls where the sun and rain come right through. Broken windows, gas fumes, and now we lost his gap gas, oh no! His tail-lights are the shits and his brakes are on the fritz. When we come on through your town, we ain't slowing down (because we can't!) (Stop, stop, stop, stop, stooooppp!!!)

Making Jogging a Threat Again
If Spakin' It We're An Olympic Event, I Would Be Sponsored By Nike (or maybe Kleen-Ex)
I've got to admit, I sure love spanking it. I've done it on a plane. I've done it on a bus. I've done it in the bathtub with my finger up my butt. I do it pretty much every morning and definitely every night and sometimes while I'm at work and even while I drive. But I'm not hurting anybody. I'm just relieving stress. Besides, sex (with other people) costs money, time, emotion, convenience etc, and I want to release my stress, not create it. Whoever I go I am my own right hand man. It doesn't take much more for me to get the urge, sometimes nothing more than a commercial, clothes, or certain word. I've seen more porno's than there are miles on my car. I still use the memories of my 9th grade girlfriend, man those things go far! I don't think that it's just me, I think it goes for everybody. Everyone I know is a spank monkey. Wank-A-Thon. I'm not alone.

Why I'll Never Have Another Girlfriend
I've already tried that path and if you do the math you'd see that seven years is 1/3 of my life. One year ago today we went our separate ways. So why is it that she is still on my mind? She was everything and more, but it was the "more" that I abhorred--she was just a bit too much. So why one year later do I still get angered about her stupid codependence? She's always got to be with someone (else). There's nobody out there like me, she was the closest one. And since everybody bugs me, I guess that's as close as I'll ever come. I don't think I'll ever have the energy to start that again. And that's why I'll never have another girlfriend.

Greg: Masturbator
He actually made it over 1,200 days without ever paying any attention to his nads. But at 19, with no girlfriend, and working at a video store with it's own porn room must have taken it's toll. Now we call him Greg: Masturbator. He decided it was bad for his health, afraid it would start running out his nose. It's been so long now he doesn't even have to use his hands!

Dinger Sofa
She complains domestic maintenance is not being fulfilled. The milk is all gone and the heater's at 112F. And she just found out something new that had been broke. It had been covered up, a remedy ignored. But the fact of it is, she probably couldn't do much better at finding a roommate (when most people are assholes). Oh, I've heard countless stores about Alan's half-wit roomie. Dishes were disappearing and at the first of the month so was she. One time he was using her phone, with the receiver outside of her room, and without any notice she dropped out of school, locked her door, and then left town. When, after a week, she didn't come back, and he couldn't hang up the phone, he had no other alternative but to break into her room. It may as well have been his second closest because almost everything he found was his: movies, CDs, tapes, clothes, and a box of dirty dishes. When I get my next roommate will I have to be babysat? Like I'm a little brother or some helpless pet? Or will I have to get those stickers that say, "Property of Craig" or do like Alan and fill their shampoo with "stick goo" if you know what I mean.

(This is a prefect example of what kind of songs we wrote in the van.)
I'm going to France cuz I'm a metal machine. SMF wants to fart in da pit. Dat shit's fucked like Sexual Chocolate. Alan met Craig's dad at an Exodus concert. Bradley only talks if he can curse. Alan impersonates Siamese Cats. Mikey can only drink flat, warm Sprite and Joe's van has no headlights. Craigums fucked up a gas pump when everyone thought he shit his pants. How many Mormons do you know own trampolines? Eye roap shnim dee ew.

Friends Don't Let Friends Drink and Talk
If I wanted your spit all over my face I'd make out with you. And NO, since you asked, I won't make out with you. I understand you're horny, but that's no excuse to treat me like someone who actually wants to fuck you. I'll have you know that I have had more guys pick up on me than girls (not to say that's very many of either, but still…) I'm curious, are you talking to me? Yeah? Try English because 'no hablo barracho, ese!' So tell me, how much did you pay for that? What? No wonder you people start so many fights, what with being sexually-repressed and shelling out $4 for some foul-fucking-beer. Oh, you play the guitar? Wow! Don't get me wrong, some of my best friends are drunks. Are you smarter before or after you drink? If it's after here's 4 more dollars because you're pretty stupid right now.

Unreleased/Unrecored Lyrics

True Story
I remember riding The Edge at Great America with my girlfriend.
I put a nickel on my knee and watched it float in front of me. As the ride leveled out the nickel slapped her in the forehead. I had to laugh, she said it hurt. Anyway, this song is about that girl... I saw her about a year ago, she was living in blissful sin with the Amador Valley High School Homecoming Queen 1993, who is now a man.

Tommy Del Mar Learned His English  From Reading Thrasher Magazine
Tommy tenia justo un nino de Buenos Aries
cuando saber de la banda de New South Wales. Penso que estabanel mas superior, pero que el caca estaban cantan acerca de? De que modo estaba supuso saber estaban racista? Tommy Del Mar learned his anglais from reading his Thrasher magazines and from all that listening to the Ramones. "Como se dices 'Como se dices?'" So Tommy got smart, Tommy got listo took a long, hard look at his Thrasher revista. For every trick he picked up came un punado de palabras. Su vocabularia outgrew "ollie" y "McTwistas" "What means this word 'geeks'?" Ahora, Tommy has his own band and you'd swear they were from the shores, man. I'm talking sudamerica, latino North America. His lyrics are Spanglish and his cars a Volkswagen.