Welcome to the Hawaiian Junkmailer Table of Contents.

You have three options:

The Abridged Version - short, inoffensive, and easy to read.

The Family Version - if I proofread correctly, there is not a single bad word on this page, nor are there any obscene pictures to offend your gentile eyes.

The Uncensored Edition - the real dirt. It's REALLY long but, in addition to reading about our squashbuckling adventures, you can also see us in all our ugly, clotheless glory. A true account of belligerency, inconsideracy, and absurdity. NOT recommended for anyone who is easily offended. NOT recommended for immediate family members. BUT HIGHLY RECOMMENDED!